Well, I did what I always do... I have been avoiding this blog... because by avoiding this blog I have been avoiding change. I have fallen back into old destructive behaviors and thoughts.
I have lost sight of my goal.
Believe it or not... this sucks. Big surprise right?
Attempting to heal from what happened to me requires me to go to a place that I have been trying desperately my whole life to get away from. It requires me to go back. To experience what happened to me over and over again as I strip every part of it away from me.
So I have been avoiding it.
But, I have an amazing counselor that called me to the carpet recently. I love that he doesn't mince words with me. I love that he holds me accountable, and reprimands me when I don't do what I say I'm going to do. THAT is what I need. I don't need someone to coddle me. I need someone to expect and demand change.
We made a breakthrough this past month though. I have come to realize that I still am desperately holding on to that little girl inside of me. I realized that I haven't attempted to change or heal before now because in some skewed view of the universe I felt that I would be letting her down if I let her go...that I would be telling her it was okay what happened to her if I let go. I want her to know that I see her. That I hear her. That I know her. That I love her.
But I have to let go... I have to let HER go.
I now can see that by letting go and healing, that I am validating her in a way that I can't by holding on. By healing, I am telling her that what happened to her doesn't define us... doesn't control us. I am taking power away from HIM and giving it back to US.
I don't have to push her away and hide her, because she is a part of me. But, I must live in the present, and I must show her that she has more power than she thinks... that I have more power than *I* think.
I heard this song in church last week and it really struck a chord (no pun intended ;) ) Enjoy.