blessings

First, I just wanted to thank everyone for their outpouring of love and support for my post the other night.  It was extremely difficult to put that out there, but I believe it's part of my healing process.  I don't really have any "successes" to report, other than everyone is still alive, which in my book right now is pretty darn successful!  :)

Anyways, tonight I had an interesting experience.  I am incredibly sick, and have been for about four weeks.  I've been alternating a stomach bug and bronchitis.  It's pretty awesome... no, actually it's not.  ;)  I asked for a priesthood blessing* tonight, and was so grateful that my home teacher was able to come over at 9:30 pm and help out with that.  I asked for a blessing of health, but got so much more....

Like I said in my previous post, I have been extremely angry at God my entire life because of what happened.  I am STILL angry, but I'm trying not to be angry at Him.  It is NOT His fault that someone exercised their agency for evil.  He DOESN'T want things like this to happen, but if he intervened, he would "cease to be God."  He gave us our agency, and unfortunately must watch with sorrow as horrible things happen.  Now, I know that's the right answer.... that's the thing... I KNOW the answers to all those deep questions about life... but I don't *feel* them.  His atonement is not "written on the fleshy part of my heart.

This is one of the things I am trying to work on... letting HIM take over and take it away.  Well, it will never truly go away, but HE can make living with this trauma bearable.  I know he can, but I don't know how to trust people, much less a God that I cannot see... though I have felt Him.  I don't talk to Him much about what happened to me... in fact I don't talk to him very much at all, because I'm scared of being vulnerable.  I am scared of opening up and really starting to heal, because I know it's going to be ugly and painful.  However, I did ask him recently to allow me to have a spiritual experience.  I just needed a little push from Him to let me know that He would be there when I was ready.  Well, I think I am *almost* ready.

Tonight, during my "blessing of health," I was actually given a blessing of comfort.  The words that came out of a man's mouth, who doesn't know anything about my situation, came straight from the Spirit.**  He said things that only God would know, and he recognized my innermost struggles and the wounds in my soul.  However, I was also promised not only physical healing, but a healing of that wounded soul as well.

God is great.  I know he is there.  I know he knows MY name.  I know he is waiting for me to take the first step, and I'm almost there... almost there.

*for those of you that are not of my faith, you can read about priesthood blessings here:  http://mormon.org/searchresults#?query=priesthood%20blessings&filter=site

**you can also read about our beliefs on the Godhead here:  http://mormon.org/searchresults#?query=godhead&filter=site

"What's Mine is Yours"

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dhMfQVBpoSY

Angels

*sculpture of the unborn child by Martin Hudack of Slovakia*

When I shared this photo on my Facebook wall on December 15, I shared it because it was beautiful and touching.  I have a few friends that have experienced miscarriages at various stages of pregnancy... in fact I shared it from the wall of one of those dear friends.  I shared it to show my love and support of all those (1 in 4 mind you) that have had a loss.  I also shared it because I had just found out that I was pregnant... about 5 weeks along, and I knew what it was like to love that tiny bean growing inside your belly, even before it had a heart, or a face, or even it's "flippers."  :)  I had never lost a pregnancy, but I could only imagine the pain that would accompany losing one.  Laela was my first, she stuck, and now she's turning TWO in 8 days! (oh cruel time, please slow down)

We bought Laela this shirt to tell our family on Christmas Eve, and I told a few friends and my sisters... even though I wasn't supposed to.  I was SO early along, but I was SO excited and just couldn't hold it in.  We were so excited to be growing our little family.  We were worried about finances, but this baby wasn't *planned,* so we were convinced it was "meant to be."  

Christmas eve rolled around and we put Laela into her shirt and sent her into my parents room where they were getting ready for Christmas Eve dinner with family friends.  She waltzed right in, with the rest of us lurking in the hallway to hear the reactions.  Nothing happened for a few minutes and we started to get impatient.  Then we heard, "Wait a minute.... what does that say... look at this... is that saying what I think it's saying?" and them my mom came running out to the hallway crying with excitement.  We of course had a great laugh at her expense since she was the "last to know"... as usual.  FYI to everyone out there... if your little girl has sisters she's extremely close to, they will be the first to know everything for the rest of their lives.  Being a sister is a very special bond.

Christmas morning arrived, and not like anyone planned.  Kaycie's husband Alex had come down with the flu and was having relations with the porcelain throne just about every half hour.  We decided to postpone Christmas until the next day because Laela really didn't know what was going on anyways, so what did it matter?  We went about our day watching movies, taking naps, taking turns playing nurse to the sick one, and spending time with the fam.  Then something went horribly wrong... with me...

JJ and I went to the ER about 6 pm, and we were there until about midnight.  Around 10:30 pm we got the devastating news that there was no longer a heartbeat... no longer a pregnancy.  I started praying... not very nicely I might add... asking why this had happened.  I know I was *only seven weeks along* but I was already extremely attached to that little bean.  Laela would pat my belly and say "hi baby!" just about every day.  How was I going to tell her there was "no more baby," and would she even understand?  At that moment I heard a voice in my head tell me that this was "for my good and to take a huge burden off of my shoulders at this time."  I protested, saying back, "but this is my baby... this is Laela's sibling!"  The voice then very quietly and reassuringly said, "There will be more."

As I grieved the loss of this baby in the arms of my husband, I knew that this precious spirit was back in the arms of their Heavenly Father to wait just a little longer for a better time to come to our family.  I marveled at the miracle of our body... that it can create life in the first place, but it can also take care of and protect itself if something just isn't right with the pregnancy.  My body was not ready physically to be pregnant again... there are some things I need to do first.  I also thought about a dear friend that had just given birth to her *rainbow baby* that very Christmas day.  Babies born after a loss are referred to as rainbow babies because they are the rainbow after the storm.  

The next day we celebrated *Christmas* by opening presents.  My husband, who was going to buy me a food dehydrator, still wanted to have something under the tree for me.  He went out in search of something on Christmas Eve, and this is what he found...

Who knew the significance that this would really have?

A few days later I was given a poem by one of JJ's cousins who knew all too well what I was going through.  It's called "Just Those Few Weeks" by Susan Erling

For those few weeks - 

I had you to myself.

And that seems too short a time

to be changed so profoundly.

In those few weeks - 

I came to know you...

and to love you.

You came to trust me with your life.

Oh, what a life I had planned for you!

Just those few weeks - 

When I lost you,

I lost a lifetime of hopes, 

plans, dreams, and aspirations...

A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.

Just those few weeks - 

It wasn't enough time to convince others

How special and important you were.

How odd, a truly unique person has recently died

and no one is mourning the passing.

Just a mere few weeks - 

And no "normal" person would cry all night

over a tiny, unfinished baby,

Or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.

No one would, so why am I?

You were just those few weeks my little one.

You darted in and out of my life too quickly.

But it seems that's all the time you needed

to make my life so much richer

and give me a small glimpse of eternity.

With all my talk about "meaning" and "reason" and "miracles," some may say that I have great perspective and seem to be *healing* well.  I am trying.  However, there are days that I don't want to get out of bed.  There are days that I want to cry all day long.  But, all I need to do is think about her....

...this precious girl that is right here in front of me.  She is my everything.

God lives.  He loves me.  He has a plan for me, and he will bless me with another sweet baby in His time.  Until then I will wait, I will watch, and I will wonder, but most of all... I will love.

MIA

hey y'all!  i have been MIA for the last few weeks.  i haven't quit, life just got REALLY busy.  the end of the school year is the busiest time for a teacher, so it's been crazy at work.  also, my granddad passed away and we traveled to florida for his memorial.  needless to say, i haven't been fantastic with my goals of late.  i'm still chugging away though and will write a more thorough check in when school is out and my grades are submitted.  :)

sleeping beauty

Our girl loves to sleep... most of the time.  :)  However, many nights i will go in and find her in positions that do NOT look comfortable.  i have learned, the hard way, never to touch her though because she's a pretty light sleeper and will be up in an instant!

i HATE it when she sticks her feet through the bars because sometimes her legs get stuck and that's no fun trying to pull wooden bars apart to rescue her... we almost broke out the butter one time.

here she is one afternoon when i went to wake her from a nap...

and finally here she is about two weeks ago.  seriously?!  how can that be even remotely comfortable?! 

p.s. do NOT judge me for the christmas pj's.  we had a little cold snap and it got down to like 40 overnight, and those are her only really warm jammies.  :)

these pictures are a wonderful visual as to why JJ and i get NO sleep when she ends up in our bed, which isn't very often (unless her mouth hurts a lot from those pesky teeth), but it's just a horrible night of sleep for everyone.  i literally woke up last night (or really about 3 am) and i was half way off the bed!  love this girl!  :)

Week 3

So this week was better than last week for some things, and worse than last week for others.

Goal 1: work out 4 times... i didn't work out once!  not even once!  i have no excuse besides "i was tired."  i am in a vicious cycle with my horrible back.  i was once again cursed with the family genes with inheriting my horribly crooked hips and deteriorating discs.  i really need to be super fit (especially in my core) in order to save myself from all my back problems, but the moment i even THINK about doing something physical, my back decides that it would rather i just sit out.  i'm really thinking that until i can lose some weight i will have to limit myself to walking.  i KNOW that walking is a wonderful exercise, but for some reason it just seems like it's not enough.  i still think of myself as an "athlete," which i used to be, and can be again someday, but for right now i need to remember that i'm a 31 year old mom with a bad back.  :-D

Goal 2: read my scriptures 10 minutes every night... i struggled with this for some reason this week and i think i only read twice.  i just plain forgot.  i'm thinking i might need to make myself some sort of a sign to hang on my bed to remind me.

Goal 3: technology fast... i did alright with this one, but i think that instead of lightening up a little, i'm actually going to go more strict.  i'm going to set a timer for my facebook usage so that once i get to an hour i'm done for the day whether that is at 9 AM or 9 PM.  i'm also going to quit pinning things on pinterest until i've actually looked at everything i've pinned so far.  i'm going to go to each website and decide if it's something i actually do want to have pinned or not.  i'm only going to allow myself on pinterest while i'm nursing so that will limit me to about 20 minutes total for the day.  i honestly cannot believe how much time i waste looking at my phone when there are so many wonderful things to be doing and exploring!

Goal 4: put my clothes away... i did really well this week!  i have no clothes hanging on my bed, and only a pair of jeans and a tshirt in the bathroom.  for those of you that don't know, we are still in a 1-bedroom apartment.  JJ's and my bed is in our dining area, and Laela has the room for herself.  This works for us because our lives don't have to stop when she goes to bed around 7:30, and she has a nice quiet space to sleep.  If we slept in the same room she would always be in our bed, and would wake up all the time.  Anyways, that is what makes it hard sometimes for me to put away clothes because i try not to go into the room at all once she goes down.  i'm going to try to make sure that my work clothes are put away before her bedtime so i don't let it pile up each day.

i decided to add another new goal this week... SPRING CLEANING!  Princess and i are headed back to south carolina for the summer in about 4 weeks and i want to make sure that the apartment is nice and clean before we leave.  i'm going to look up how to spring clean each of our small rooms and also borrow a carpet shampooer from a friend to clean our carpet.  i'm going to try to do this as "green" as possible...homemade cleaners and such, so we will see how that all goes!

well i hope y'all had a great week!  and here is to us working to achieve all of our goals!

Week 2

i have come to realize that week 2 is infinitely harder than week 1 whenever trying to start or break habits... and this was no different for me this week.  i will definitely cut myself some slack though because my entire life and schedule was turned upside down.  i found out that my grandfather was a lot worse than we thought he was, and he eventually passed away Friday morning, one day shy of his 82 birthday.  it was also AIMS (state testing) week at school and my entire schedule was completely messed up, resulting in juggling Laela around a little bit and me having to rush home at the end of the day.

that being said, i did NOT do so well with my goals this week.

Goal 1: work out 4 times a week ------> i worked out twice
Goal 2: read my scriptures at least ten minutes every day ------> i read three out of seven days
Goal 3: technology fast -----> i struggled with this one.  i was actually thinking of revising my guidelines to make it a little more "realistic" (read: easy) for myself to follow, but not i'm rethinking that.  i really don't think that my expectations are really all that difficult to meet.  probably the only 1 hour of tv would need to be extended a little bit because sometimes shows are two hours long (an hour and a half with my DVR), so i'm thinking i'll limit myself to one show instead of one hour.
Goal 4: put my clothes away after work -----> FAIL!  haha!  i did a teensy bit better, but i'm definitely staring at today's clothes hanging over my bed, and i also have clothes piled in the bathroom still.

needless to say i'm not going to pile more goals onto myself when i didn't even do a great job this week.  so, i'm going to work on those 4 goals again this week.

i'm also going to be working on actually trying to pinpoint the catalyst for my depression.  the little sister has a kick butt job at this place called New Haven, which is a treatment center for girls that struggle with all sorts of things in their lives.  they have this cool therapy technique where they pinpoint the girls' "core issue."  it's a struggle, and many times it is heart wrenching, however this in turn makes it much easier for these girls to overcome their issues.  i'm going to be watching for moments where i can feel myself sinking into a depressed state and make note of what was going on, or what happened, to push me over the edge.  when we go to Florida for my granddad's memorial service in three weeks i will be having a "core issue" discussion with kaycie in order to uncover mine and help with my healing process.  i know it's going to be uncomfortable, but i'm excited to make some progress on the inside as well as the outside.

have a fantastic week!!