small worlds and big hearts

so there is this story called "how the grinch stole christmas" as i am sure you all know. the one thing that sticks with me about that story is how the grinch goes from having a tiny heart to it being said in whoville that his heart "grew three sizes" in one day. in the movie it grows so much that it almost outgrows his chest... that's how mine feels sometimes.

now... the reason i tell you this is because tonight my heart is hurting, and those of you that know me, know that i have a rather large heart. i am not sure why, but i have very tender feelings. i cry when i watch animal cops because i hurt for the animals, i cried when i heard about the tsunami, i cried about hurricane katrina, i cried my senior year of college when one of my classmates died in a car accident fall semester, and tonight i can't make the tears stop because one of my sister's very best friends has returned to our heavenly home after a very long battle with cancer...
meet catie stubben (always to be known to me as catie dunn) let me take you back to 1998... and this is where the small world starts to come in... it was february, and my birthday present that year was a trip to see krista who was in her freshman year of college at BYU. i was scared because i hadn't ever been on a big plane, and i was nervous about the whole college scene... not to mention the cold and snow! krista had the great fortune of being placed in deseret towers (may they rest in peace... they are being torn down... sad i know) on BYU campus, and what an answer to prayer that was. she became part of the most wonderful group of friends i have ever seen. they welcomed me, they loved me, they even threw me a "birthday party." it was a great trip and i was excited to head out to BYU in a year and a half.

krista and her group of friends never lost touch... through missions, marriages, kids, careers, moving around the country... they have all remained friends, which is something of a miracle in and of itself these days. not only do i know catie through my sister, but a good friend of ours marianne maycock married catie's brother, andrew, while i was on my mission. now, though not a coincidence, these two reasons are not why catie was so special to me... i honestly didn't know her all that well, as she was krista's friend... but the reason she is so special is because the stubbens were the first family that JJ was assigned to home teach after he was baptized... know what i mean about a small world? they came to our wedding reception in north carolina, and JJ was beside himself with happiness to see them. we knew it was tough for catie, and that made it all the more special that they had come to support us.

as i said before, i didn't know catie all that well, but what i did know about her was that she brightened the lives of all those who ever came in contact with her. she always had a HUGE smile on her face, and she had a great laugh. she loved the gospel, she loved her children, and she loved her husband... she just loved...

i am having a hard time making the tears stop because she was such a wonderful person and didn't deserve this in the least... then again, when do good people ever really deserve the bad things that unfortunately they are faced with. i hurt for my sister, i hurt for her husband, i hurt for her children... but most of all, i think i hurt for catie. i am sure she is happy to be free of her pain, but i am sure that it must be hard for her to leave this life and her family. i know that God has a plan, and i know with all my heart that she had a greater purpose on the other side, which is why he took her home. i know that she will have her family again someday... i know all those things, but it doesn't make me feel better right now. if someone, who was much more worthy that i, had to face a trial like this... i just don't know what i would do.

i have spent most of the night tracing the lines of my husband's face, memorizing the smell of his skin, feeling the safeness of his arms and realizing just how much i love him. these kinds of experiences really bring your mortality into perspective and make you appreciate all the blessings that you have. he is such a comfort to me and reminded me that God tests us according to our strength... everyone tells me i am so strong, but i honestly think that faced with this kind of a situation that i would not react very well. i can only hope that because i am a better person for knowing catie, that i can use her strength as a help and an example.

catie... we love you, we miss you, and we will see you on the other side...