the world as a twin sister...

if you haven't read this book... you must repent and go to the store this moment!

it is my most favorite book EVER... and that is saying a lot because i am a freak of nature that will destroy a 900 page book in one day (ask my family... or julie)

it is set in south carolina (so of course i loved it even before i cracked it open), and it is the story of a young girl in search of the truth about her mother's life and death. if you saw the movie, read the book anyways because it is a gajillion times better.

anyways, i have been thinking about this book a lot lately... in particular one of the supporting characters... may. this is what wikipedia has to say about her character

"May Boatwright: the sister of August and June Boatwright. Had a twin sister who died when she was younger, she is abnormally sensitive and caring, and has somewhat of a childlike nature about her. Whenever she is upset she sings "Oh, Susanna" and also built a "wailing wall" in the backyard where her sisters send her when she starts getting too upset. She is highly sensitive to pain of others and the world in general, carries the weight of the world in her soul."

and here is a little tidbit from the synopsis...

"The other sister, May, is a bit unusual and does not seem to be able to cope with sadness. Lily finds out that May had a twin sister, April, who died when they were younger. Even before she died, May always experienced the same feelings as April. 'When April died, something in May died too... It seemed like the world itself became May's twin sister.'"

the reason that i have been thinking about this lately, and more particularly about May, is that a lot has been going on lately, and i've really just been keeping it all cooped up inside. sometimes i wish i had a "wailing wall" like may had so that i could write a note, say a prayer, do some crying and carrying on, and then have it be all better. I completely empathize with may and how sensitive she was to the emotions of others. one look at someone's face and i can usually tell what they are feeling, just as one look at my face can tell you what i am feeling (good or bad!)

"I have noticed that if you look carefully at people's eyes the first five seconds they look at you, the truth of their feelings will shine through for just an instant before it flickers away."
— Sue Monk Kidd (The Secret Life of Bees)

this week was a bit tough, starting with last weekend. i went down to florida to see my grandparents. grandma q (mom's mom) had a big surgery a few weeks ago and is still recouping, and grandma sally (dad's mom) had a stroke memorial day weekend... which leaves granddad at home by himself taking care of things... i have never once in my life seen or heard my granddad cry until this happened. the moment i walked in that nursing home and saw my busy as a bee grandma sitting in a wheel chair, i had to work so hard to keep it together... she however, did not. i haven't seen her for a year since i was living so far away, and i hate that. i grew up with her down the street and i miss those times. i miss sunday dinners... i miss back to school shopping trips... i miss her crying as she plays the piano for us to sing... i miss being a child when the world didn't quite weigh so heavily.

"It is the peculiar nature of the world to go on spinning no matter what sort of heartbreak is happening."
— Sue Monk Kidd (The Secret Life of Bees)

the next two days were spent with grandma and granddad, either at the house or the nursing home. i cleaned and did laundry for granddad, and i worked with grandma and her motor skills. as i left her at the dinner table and walked away i felt a rush of emotion and couldn't hold the tears any longer. seconds before, i had witnessed a miracle. my eighty year old granddad, who is one of the tallest people that i know, leaned awkwardly down and kissed his "sweetheart" as he calls her now. then he said, "i love you," and she said it back. they hadn't done or said that in over fifty years before this "tragedy" happened. grandma, who is generally a pretty negative person, has stated more than once that this might just be a blessing in disguise because of how it has strengthened her relationship with my granddad, and brought our family together. but the thing that really got me was how she responded to me. both grandma and granddad kept saying how i was the most tender of us three girls, and had the biggest heart... now that's not to say that my sisters aren't caring, but i feel things in a different way, and i am just starting to realize that and try to deal with it.

"In a weird way I must have loved my little collection of hurts and wounds. They provided me with some real nice sympathy, with the feeling I was exceptional...What a special case I was."
— Sue Monk Kidd (The Secret Life of Bees)

i feel things deeply... they affect me differently than they would others... death and sickness especially. in college a friend was killed in a car accident on his way back to utah after his little sister's birthday... i cried like a baby for hours even though i had only known him a relatively short time. a few months ago one of my sister's best friends died after a long battle with cancer... i was affected for days even though she was krista's friend. a dear family friend was tragically killed this past monday, and i haven't let myself start to grieve yet because i know it's going to be painful. i cry when i see cats or dogs that have been hit by cars, i cry when i watch animal cops or whale wars because i can physically feel the pain those animals are in, i cry when my grandma gets frustrated when she can't put something in the trash because her body isn't cooperating with her brain.

"women made the best beekeepers 'cause they have a special ability built into them to love creatures that sting."
— Sue Monk Kidd (The Secret Life of Bees)

WHY? why was i blessed/cursed with this big heart? i can see the blessing because it allows me to feel deep emotions such as joy, but it also makes me feel sadness beyond what others feel. it allows me to be empathetic towards others, but it also makes me not only understand their pain but share it. it allows me to form strong bonds and connections with those around me, but at times it makes me feel all alone in a room full of people.

one of my goals this year is to answer that question... to really pray and ask heavenly father why this heart is something he felt i needed to have. what work does he have for me to do that requires me to feel so deeply... maybe it is being a wife and mother... maybe it is something else... that is what i want to know.

"Honeybees depend not only on physical contact with the colony, but also require it's social companionship and support. Isolate a honeybee from her sisters and she will soon die."
— Sue Monk Kidd (The Secret Life of Bees)

i know it is frustrating at times for my parents and my husband and my sisters... i am UBER-sensitive, but i think it is because i LOVE them so deeply that i don't understand why they don't love me back exactly the same. my brain and my heart work differently than others and i think part of this journey will be learning to accept that.

"The truth is, in order to heal we need to tell our stories and have them witnessed...The story itself becomes a vessel that holds us up, that sustains, that allows us to order our jumbled experiences into meaning.
As I told my stories of fear, awakening, struggle, and transformation and had them received, heard, and validated by other women, I found healing.
I also needed to hear other women's stories in order to see and embrace my own. Sometimes another woman's story becomes a mirror that shows me a self I haven't seen before. When I listen to her tell it, her experience quickens and clarifies my own. Her questions rouse mine. Her conflicts illumine my conflicts. Her resolutions call forth my hope. Her strengths summon my strengths. All of this can happen even when our stories and our lives are very different."
— Sue Monk Kidd (The Dance of the Dissident Daughter: A Woman's Journey from Christian Tradition to the Sacred Feminine)

I hope this wasn't too "heavy" and you made it through ok. i know i put on a happy face most of the time, but i have a lot inside. i hope that you are ok going on this journey with me, and if not, i understand... this is mostly self discovery anyways... but if you take the journey with me to find that hurt that is deep inside and root it out, there is sweet golden honey at the end...

"It's your time to live, don't mess it up."
— Sue Monk Kidd (The Secret Life of Bees)