school day blues

so i have decided that the stretch from labor day to fall break is probably the longest, hardest stretch of the school year. at least in arizona we have fall break, which is seriously a week long God send, because it used to be the stretch between labor day and thanksgiving that was unbearable... at least now it's broken up with a week off. anyways, this is the stretch where the days are long, the kids are squirrley, at least five kids in each class forgot their homework and want to tell you a five minute story about why, and i'm just tired. the freshness and excitement have worn off, and i'm TIRED!

don't get me wrong, i L-O-V-E my job, and the students. it makes those blues go away when you walk down the hall and you hear a chorus of "¡hola señora barksdale!" followed by a very loud, lone voice that says with such fervor, "i love you señora barksdale." oh gosh, let me tell you how much fun i am having especially with kindergarten! at first they were the bane of my existence because it is seriously like herding kittens...

...but i LOVE them now! it is seriously SO much fun. we are learning a new song right now called the "body cha cha." we sing it like three times in a row because they love it so much. after every time, there is this one little girl, cutest thing ever with bright blue eyes and long blond hair, and not much taller than 2 feet who says, "that is too much fun!"

so my job is really fun, but i definitely look forward to the weekend and days off. laela has popped out and she is getting bigger, so of course my tummy feels heavier, and by the end of the day my hips are aching. plus, i am feeling so overwhelmed with getting ready for her arrival. not only do we have to save enough money for me to stay home for a couple months (i don't have paid maternity leave), we need to buy stuff for her, and still pay our bills. we are doing well right now... thank you tithing... so i'm not too worried. it's stressful though, and on top of that i have to have my entire curriculum mapped out for the time i am gone. bleh!

so that's life right now... stressed to the max, but SO excited for this little one to make her way into the world. if only the mosquito bite on the back of my ankle would stop itching... :)

blast from the past

ok, so i L-O-V-E facebook right now. i met this little lady my freshman year of college... sofia. i am absolutely not kidding you when i seriously thought about naming the baby sofia because of her.... she doesn't know this yet, so this will be news to her too. what is awesome about this story is that sofia and i probably haven't spoken for about seven years or so. she met joe our sophomore year and they were married junior year... then i went off on my mission and we lost touch. thank heavens for facebook because she friended me just yesterday, and we've pretty much caught up. i mean obviously we left out some details, but i still feel like we are as good of friends as we ever were.

we were interesting BYU coeds... not your typical run of the mill mormon girls, and we had a large group of girlfriends that were the same. we were a little rough around the edges, but good girls (for the most part) :) but oh, did we have some fun! all my pictures of us are in south carolina in a bin, and oh how i wish i had some to put up because they are hilarious, but that's for another place and time.

i just wanted to share my exciting news, because... well... i'm so excited about it! sofia taught me that it was ok to be a little different... that it was ok to stand out from the crowd... that being a little different in shape, in size, in color, in beliefs, in attitude, etc. was what made us beautiful and worth something special. she taught me to love myself no matter what... and my favorite thing about sofia... she taught me to always tell someone "bless you" when they sneeze! haha, and no i am not kidding. whether they were someone we knew or a complete stranger across the quad on campus, sofia would always bless someone when they sneezed. it always elicited a "thank you" and a smile. example... JJ and I were at the diamond backs game on Monday night. a teenage boy sitting a row up and about six seats down sneezed. i looked back and said, "bless you." he, a little surprised, smiled and said, "thank you." i then proceeded to tell JJ about my old friend sofia that always used to do that... little did i know that when i got home that night i would find a friend request from none other than sofia.

our Father in Heaven works in mysterious ways, and i can only believe that He brought her back into my life to teach me something else... whether it comes from something good or bad remains to be seen, but i know that she will always help me see the silver lining, because that is sofia... always happy to be alive.

love you girl! :)

daddy's little girl

my daddy had a birthday on july 21.... he turned 54. see, i can tell you that because he still looks like he's in his 40s. both my parents do for that matter... which i think is why people still don't think i'm over the age of 23 or 24. we just look young, which is fantastic for getting older... so i'm told. :) of course, i did have a student tell me today that i had a white hair... but that's another story! :)

anyways, this is my daddy. he and i have always had a special bond. i was his "boy." haha, meaning i was the one who was interested in sports, and i was the one who was interested in continuing the family boat legacy. i am sure that he was a little disappointed that i didn't share his passion for music like the other girls, i know i have done many things in my life to make him proud of me as well.

i mean, don't get me wrong... i love music, and i will always regret my decision to quit piano lessons, but i am grateful for my life... it was great. i was quite the little pistol though, and when my dad told me to go "assume the position" (the spanking position) i knew he meant business. we had a great time when i was a kid... playing catch, playing horsey, putting on concerts and shows, and we had the same favorite cat, muffin... what a great cat.

as i grew up i became much more mature and quit being so much of a pistol.... HAHA, yeah right! i probably got worse, but there my dad was through it all. the one thing that i can actually bring myself to say now that i'm older, is that my dad was ALWAYS right! i would always ask for advice, and he would give it freely, and then i would usually disregard it. most of my "lessons" (translate hard times) in my life have come because i didn't listen to my wise daddy. i know i will probably tell that to my kids, but they won't believe me... just like i didn't believe my parents... but it's true! :)

my dad is my hero. he has been there for me through thick and thin... always supported me no matter the decision i made. he tries to be a big, tough man but he is the biggest teddy bear around. he loves his girls (mom included) and i know he will be the best granddad around to my sweet baby. she will adore him just like i adore him and my granddad. i can't wait :)

daddy dearest...

so my daddy had a birthday and i haven't had a chance to do a b-day blog for him yet... but it's coming soon! i needed to get through my last week home, my anniversary, getting back to az, and get settled in... so it's coming to a blog near you soon... :)

wow... i never thought i would feel so inspired watching mtv. i stumbled across a new show they are piloting this summer called "if you really knew me." apparently there is this program that travels across the nation and goes to high schools and jr. high schools giving a "challenge day." i watched a preview episode on mtv.com because it doesn't air until tuesday night. it explored the lives of different students from different "cliques" and showed their journey through challenge day. it really gets the kids to open up and allow each other to truly know them and think twice the next time they want to pick on them. it was AMAZING! i don't want to go through all the details because i really want you to watch it and get the full effect, but this program (challenge day and the show) is truly life changing. i hope that challenge day makes it to every high school in the nation because kids need it. people truly begin to believe the label given to them in high school, and sometimes can never outgrow it. bullying, racism, and sarcasm are why kids kill themselves sometimes and so many problems could be eradicated if we were just nicer to each other. anyways, just thought i would throw that out there. watch and be changed.

the world as a twin sister...

if you haven't read this book... you must repent and go to the store this moment!

it is my most favorite book EVER... and that is saying a lot because i am a freak of nature that will destroy a 900 page book in one day (ask my family... or julie)

it is set in south carolina (so of course i loved it even before i cracked it open), and it is the story of a young girl in search of the truth about her mother's life and death. if you saw the movie, read the book anyways because it is a gajillion times better.

anyways, i have been thinking about this book a lot lately... in particular one of the supporting characters... may. this is what wikipedia has to say about her character

"May Boatwright: the sister of August and June Boatwright. Had a twin sister who died when she was younger, she is abnormally sensitive and caring, and has somewhat of a childlike nature about her. Whenever she is upset she sings "Oh, Susanna" and also built a "wailing wall" in the backyard where her sisters send her when she starts getting too upset. She is highly sensitive to pain of others and the world in general, carries the weight of the world in her soul."

and here is a little tidbit from the synopsis...

"The other sister, May, is a bit unusual and does not seem to be able to cope with sadness. Lily finds out that May had a twin sister, April, who died when they were younger. Even before she died, May always experienced the same feelings as April. 'When April died, something in May died too... It seemed like the world itself became May's twin sister.'"

the reason that i have been thinking about this lately, and more particularly about May, is that a lot has been going on lately, and i've really just been keeping it all cooped up inside. sometimes i wish i had a "wailing wall" like may had so that i could write a note, say a prayer, do some crying and carrying on, and then have it be all better. I completely empathize with may and how sensitive she was to the emotions of others. one look at someone's face and i can usually tell what they are feeling, just as one look at my face can tell you what i am feeling (good or bad!)

"I have noticed that if you look carefully at people's eyes the first five seconds they look at you, the truth of their feelings will shine through for just an instant before it flickers away."
— Sue Monk Kidd (The Secret Life of Bees)

this week was a bit tough, starting with last weekend. i went down to florida to see my grandparents. grandma q (mom's mom) had a big surgery a few weeks ago and is still recouping, and grandma sally (dad's mom) had a stroke memorial day weekend... which leaves granddad at home by himself taking care of things... i have never once in my life seen or heard my granddad cry until this happened. the moment i walked in that nursing home and saw my busy as a bee grandma sitting in a wheel chair, i had to work so hard to keep it together... she however, did not. i haven't seen her for a year since i was living so far away, and i hate that. i grew up with her down the street and i miss those times. i miss sunday dinners... i miss back to school shopping trips... i miss her crying as she plays the piano for us to sing... i miss being a child when the world didn't quite weigh so heavily.

"It is the peculiar nature of the world to go on spinning no matter what sort of heartbreak is happening."
— Sue Monk Kidd (The Secret Life of Bees)

the next two days were spent with grandma and granddad, either at the house or the nursing home. i cleaned and did laundry for granddad, and i worked with grandma and her motor skills. as i left her at the dinner table and walked away i felt a rush of emotion and couldn't hold the tears any longer. seconds before, i had witnessed a miracle. my eighty year old granddad, who is one of the tallest people that i know, leaned awkwardly down and kissed his "sweetheart" as he calls her now. then he said, "i love you," and she said it back. they hadn't done or said that in over fifty years before this "tragedy" happened. grandma, who is generally a pretty negative person, has stated more than once that this might just be a blessing in disguise because of how it has strengthened her relationship with my granddad, and brought our family together. but the thing that really got me was how she responded to me. both grandma and granddad kept saying how i was the most tender of us three girls, and had the biggest heart... now that's not to say that my sisters aren't caring, but i feel things in a different way, and i am just starting to realize that and try to deal with it.

"In a weird way I must have loved my little collection of hurts and wounds. They provided me with some real nice sympathy, with the feeling I was exceptional...What a special case I was."
— Sue Monk Kidd (The Secret Life of Bees)

i feel things deeply... they affect me differently than they would others... death and sickness especially. in college a friend was killed in a car accident on his way back to utah after his little sister's birthday... i cried like a baby for hours even though i had only known him a relatively short time. a few months ago one of my sister's best friends died after a long battle with cancer... i was affected for days even though she was krista's friend. a dear family friend was tragically killed this past monday, and i haven't let myself start to grieve yet because i know it's going to be painful. i cry when i see cats or dogs that have been hit by cars, i cry when i watch animal cops or whale wars because i can physically feel the pain those animals are in, i cry when my grandma gets frustrated when she can't put something in the trash because her body isn't cooperating with her brain.

"women made the best beekeepers 'cause they have a special ability built into them to love creatures that sting."
— Sue Monk Kidd (The Secret Life of Bees)

WHY? why was i blessed/cursed with this big heart? i can see the blessing because it allows me to feel deep emotions such as joy, but it also makes me feel sadness beyond what others feel. it allows me to be empathetic towards others, but it also makes me not only understand their pain but share it. it allows me to form strong bonds and connections with those around me, but at times it makes me feel all alone in a room full of people.

one of my goals this year is to answer that question... to really pray and ask heavenly father why this heart is something he felt i needed to have. what work does he have for me to do that requires me to feel so deeply... maybe it is being a wife and mother... maybe it is something else... that is what i want to know.

"Honeybees depend not only on physical contact with the colony, but also require it's social companionship and support. Isolate a honeybee from her sisters and she will soon die."
— Sue Monk Kidd (The Secret Life of Bees)

i know it is frustrating at times for my parents and my husband and my sisters... i am UBER-sensitive, but i think it is because i LOVE them so deeply that i don't understand why they don't love me back exactly the same. my brain and my heart work differently than others and i think part of this journey will be learning to accept that.

"The truth is, in order to heal we need to tell our stories and have them witnessed...The story itself becomes a vessel that holds us up, that sustains, that allows us to order our jumbled experiences into meaning.
As I told my stories of fear, awakening, struggle, and transformation and had them received, heard, and validated by other women, I found healing.
I also needed to hear other women's stories in order to see and embrace my own. Sometimes another woman's story becomes a mirror that shows me a self I haven't seen before. When I listen to her tell it, her experience quickens and clarifies my own. Her questions rouse mine. Her conflicts illumine my conflicts. Her resolutions call forth my hope. Her strengths summon my strengths. All of this can happen even when our stories and our lives are very different."
— Sue Monk Kidd (The Dance of the Dissident Daughter: A Woman's Journey from Christian Tradition to the Sacred Feminine)

I hope this wasn't too "heavy" and you made it through ok. i know i put on a happy face most of the time, but i have a lot inside. i hope that you are ok going on this journey with me, and if not, i understand... this is mostly self discovery anyways... but if you take the journey with me to find that hurt that is deep inside and root it out, there is sweet golden honey at the end...

"It's your time to live, don't mess it up."
— Sue Monk Kidd (The Secret Life of Bees)

ooooooooh, yes please!

so the other night, i had a rough pregnant night... if i have those sometimes now, i don't even want to think about when i'm like seven months... oof

anyways, my dear friend maille told me i needed to get a snoogle.... at first i thought maybe she misspelled snuggie, but then i remembered that maille is smarter than i am, and she NEVER misspells ANYTHING (she's a writer), so i googled it.

UM, YES PLEASE! (if you forgot my birthday in february, or would like to take care of the pregnant lady, i will totally take charity) haha :)

this simply looks like heaven, and they say it's great for feedings in the middle of the night once the baby is here as well. it's kinda pricey, but i'm definitely going to order one for when i get back to arizona. i am SO excited! thanks maille! :)