just breathe

it's been a tough couple weeks... allow me to share why...

jessica - she was one tough cookie to crack. her brother is a drug dealer, and i don't even want to think about all the things she sees and is involved in. she glared at me for 70 minutes every day while in class, and then whenever she saw me outside of class. she was rude, antagonistic, and just plain mean sometimes. however, last week she came into class with a red nose and red eyes. i thought she wasn't feeling well so i just left her alone. ten minutes later i look back at her and there are tears streaming down her face. i take her outside where she immediately buries her face in my chest and starts sobbing. she then informs me she is pregnant... by a boy in our school who also got another of my students pregnant three months ago... he is 19, jessica is 15. she told me she was going to get an abortion and for the first time in my life i was actually ok with that. i do not want that poor baby to be carried in her drug and alcohol infested body, and i certainly do not want it to be raised the way she was. she has since stopped glaring. by no means are we best friends, but she smiles when she sees me. she has recently decided that she isn't getting an abortion, and she jumped a girl last week... while carrying a baby.

ashley - our 20 year old crack whore... no really, it's true. we know she's a prostitute, and that she is a user... did i tell you she was pregnant? well, she was doing really great for a couple weeks, coming to class, we could tell she was clean... she disappeared. i haven't seen her for ten days.

maricela - immigration surrounded her house monday morning as everyone was getting ready for school and work. they took every illegal adult in her house into custody. that left her, a 15 year old, in charge of her little brothers. they are all being deported this week.

1st period Spanish 3 class - tells me all the time about the life they have to live... about the shootings, about their brothers who are gangsters getting shot in the face in drive bys, about the gas station where one of them works getting robbed by nine year olds sent in by their older siblings... what happened to being a child?

there are some bright spots however in this...

isaac - he lives on 67th avenue... that's 74 blocks away from school, but he is determined to finish this year (he's 19), and this is the longest he has ever stayed in school in about three years. the other day one of the administrators was being particularly rude to him, and he didn't say anything back. he stood there and took it. i was proud of him, and i told him.

khadijah - oh this child. two weeks ago i wanted to tell her to stop coming to school. that she was a waste of space and time, but recently she has rededicated herself to getting good grades. she has actually started paying attention and doing her work. hopefully she will keep it up.

johnell and damien - these boys are my favorite part of the day. they provide my comic relief. johnell is probably one of the smartest kids we have in school. he is about to turn 19, and got mixed up in some stuff at his last school, which got him kicked out. he has since turned his life around and is really trying to do things right. he came to our school to be there for his cousin, damien. damien got his ankle monitor off last week and we are going to make sure it stays off this time. johnell is a great example to him, and damien has totally made a turn for the better. he still has some trouble with respecting authority, but he is ten times better than he used to be. my room is their hang out, and i'm glad. i miss my kids from last year, and they are the closest thing to reminding me of them.

one of my favorite movies is Ever After... and the reason for it being my favorite movie is one simple line... "just breathe."

i just finished the third season of Grey's Anatomy and this song was the season closer... i love it... when life gets you down, just keep breathing...

Mawwige

please tell me you all know to what movie i am referencing when i say marriage with such an amusing speech impediment. :) it has been a tough weekend to say the least. i was out to nachos with the girls from work on Friday afternoon after work, and it was a very interesting conversation we had at the table. three of us are newlyweds of 6 months, 2 months, and 1 month. let's just say that i'm glad for the sake of those around us that the music was very loud! :) anyways, Joy, newlywed of 6 months was telling us of her snotty students informing her that they knew she was only there teaching for the money... oh because they pay us teachers SO very much money! and she informed them that she was there because she loved teaching. one of her particularly snotty students then asked, "really miss? you wake up every day excited to come teach us?" to which Joy replied, "it's a little like marriage. i am married to a man who i love more than anything in the world, but i don't wake up every morning and think, 'GOSH i'm glad i married him.' There are good days and bad days." So, we talked about that for a little while. i LOVE being married... i love to see his face when i come out of the closet wearing a particularly cute outfit... i love that he kisses me every morning despite my wicked morning breath... i love that i come home in the afternoon to a clean apartment... i love that he actually DOES wake up every morning happy to be married to me (even when i'm a psycho!)... but sometimes it's so stinkin hard!

why does marriage have to be so hard sometimes???

sometimes i miss the independence and freedom of the single life, but then he walks through the door with a huge smile on his face just because he sees me, and i remember what this is all about. i remember that it's hard because nothing worth it comes easy... it's hard because we are two headstrong adults full of pride... it's hard because we make it that way... it's hard because we are selfish (we meaning the human race... not ME of course! haha) it is when we forget ourselves and put the other first that marriage is beautiful.

someone once said,

"Marriage is the glue that holds us together as we fall in and out of love."

I like that...

mywedding.com/johnathanandkarlybarksdale

since they will soon shut out wedding website down i decided to pull the stories off and share them here. my next blog will be about the wedding, since i haven't done that yet. :) i know, i know, i'm getting there.

Our Story

Johnathan and Karly... love at first click...

Karly's side :)

Yep, it's true... internet dating actually works sometimes! :) JJ and I were both registered on a dating website (whose site shall remain nameless since they aren't paying royalties.. haha), he took one look at me and couldn't resist! He sent me an email sometime in May 2008. He made some weird captain joke (since that's what I do in the summer) so I thought he was a little weird, but hey... a good lookin guy like that... i was still interested. We kept in touch a little bit over the summer, exchanging a few emails here and there. We were both a little preoccupied... I was moving to Texas, he was moving to Arizona... so nothing really happened then. Once we were both settled in our respective new homes, I remembered that we had left things pretty unfinished, so I sent him a little note just to say hi... which he ignored! Can you believe it??? A week went by, and I decided to send one last note... to which he responded. :) He asked for my phone number... again... he had "lost" it... likely story right? ;) Anyways, he called me that night around 11 pm, and we ended up talking until around 4 in the morning... remember how Karly has a big girl job now and had to be at work at 8? Needless to say I was super tired, but glowing. Everyone at work commented on how happy I looked. I told them about this new guy... this tall, good looking, mormon, black, straight ice skating coach... they didn't believe me on the details first! We texted all day, and started talking on the phone two or three times a day. We talked about everything... everything! I knew within the first three weeks that I was falling in love with him and that this was the man I wanted to spend eternity with.

We decided to meet in person up in Utah... neutral ground. I was sure things would go great, but just in case, we both needed an exit strategy. It was really funny because a couple weeks before we were going to Utah, I was totally looking online at engagement rings... of course I didn't tell this to JJ though, I mean I didn't want to freak the boy out! The very next day he called me and told me he had a confession to make... he had been looking at rings online! I started laughing and confessed, and thus commenced the engagement ring search. Now I know what you are all thinking... that it was before we had even met, but I think I can speak for both of us when I say that meeting in person was just the last piece of the puzzle. We already had fallen in love mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, and with Facebook JJ had seen me at my best and worst (aka mission pics! haha). I got to Utah the day before him and painstakingly picked out a new outfit (with the help of a good friend... you know who you are) to dazzle JJ. I was so nervous, but the outfit must have worked because as soon as he saw me, his face broke into a huge smile, he walked right over, and without any hesitation, pulled me into his arms. He hugged me for a minute and then kissed me... that's another long story, but we will keep that one to ourselves. :)

That was it... I was hooked! We started planning the wedding that weekend! I even found a dress! My parents were a little skeptical, but he had passed the sister and best friend test that weekend we were in Utah. I promised we would take things slow and be very careful, which we have. We even moved the wedding back a couple months so we would have a little bit more time. I am the happiest girl around. I had always heard that "when you know, you know," but I never thought it was true... but I was wrong... so very wrong. I knew that this man would love and cherish me forever. He treats me with a respect I never knew was possible... I mean I saw it in other people's relationships, but I always picked real winners that made me feel less than. Not with JJ! His favorite activity is making me blush with the nice things he says, and I know that this is only the beginning of a wonderful, amazing life together. :)

Johnathan's take on things

Karly is right...internet did play a very important role in helping us find each other!!! Thanks goodness for the internet and technology....haha:) I was willing to search any and everywhere for that special woman to share my life with! When I initially met Karly online I had no idea how much this amazing woman had to offer!
I planned to move to AZ at the end of the summer (2008) and pursue my coaching career. I bought a motorcycle for the trip and had plans to visit Karly and other friends if time permitted while on my journey. Being that I was short on time I didn't even have time to call to say hello.
Ok, once in AZ, Karly & I reconnected. The first time Karly sent me a message, I didn't reply. You know how it is when you move to a new city always working and trying to get your business up and running! That was me, working 2 jobs and not really making time for anyone. Karly contacted me again and from the moment I replied there was something about her voice, her essence, her sense of purpose in life that I identified with. Let's just say we seem to always take the road less traveled...we like to do what we like when we like...haha. We talked and texted a lot until the time we first met in Utah. I grew more and more curious about this woman that I had gotten to know though our phone conversations and text messages. Nov. 22, 2008, I'll never forget!! That is the day it all became a reality!! The moment I saw her big beautiful smile I wanted to sweep this southern bell off her feet!! I knew that I would do anything to let her know how much I thought of her!! I felt like the luckiest guy in the airport that day!!
Once we met we were off on our first date!! I bet you want details, eh? :) I'll just say this...every guy should hope to have the kind of first date I had...haha! We started it off with two must haves for any guy…football and italian food! Karly did her homework on me and I knew I had better have my act together. We went sightseeing, dancing, to church, you name it we did it!! I had never before shared so much of my life with someone in less than 24hrs and had so much fun doing it. This is the definition of speed dating! ☺ As our first weekend together started to wind down I realized that I could never get enough of Karly and her lovely personality! And yes in case you were wondering…her body in one word...HOT!! I wanted to see her again as soon as possible!!
We were on the same page as to take things slowly, but there was a lot of excitement between us. We knew that we did not want to take more time than was reasonable to take our relationship to the next level. This meant me asking her parents first for her hand in marriage. Call me old, but that is how I was raised and Karly is so special to me that I would do it old school just to make her happy! Oh yeah, gotta have a ring! This is another long story that you'll have to ask Karly about:) I'm sure she'll tell you all about it!!!
Meeting Karly was the last piece to the puzzle or should I say the start of something really special that we all dream about. I never could have planned for or lives to come together this way, but the Lord always has a hand in all the miracles we receive! Karly is so right when she says "I will cherish and love her forever". My grandparents had 59 yrs of bliss and that is what I intend to give Karly! I'm so thankful for our families and friends in our lives that have helped us define who we are and were with us through our struggles and our achievements! I want you all to know because of you and your love for our well being we will forever love you! I love my angel, better known as Karly, I'm so blessed to have her in my life! Sweetie, I love you! And I can't wait to marry you!

Wedding Party

Krista Maurer

Maid of Honor

Krista and I are 23 months apart... not 24... so I have always been trying to catch up. Between February 12 and March 4 I was only one year younger instead of two! It was always a great three weeks. Krista has been one of my greatest examples. She was the oldest, thus making her mama bear #2. She paved the way for her sisters... and boy was it an uphill climb! :) She set that bar so high, and sometimes I didn't want to try. When I switched schools I thought I had a chance at my own identity... I wouldn't be "Krista's sister" anymore... then Krista switched schools too! We were "the Maurer girls." She graduated from BYU, she went on a mission, she started her career... all things I have done also, and I hope I did them half as well as she did. One day she told me something that totally changed the way I felt about our relationship. She told me I was her hero... she said that no matter how far I sink into that hole I have dug for myself (I have a hard time with wanting to learn lessons the hard way), that I never stop fighting to get out... I am always clawing my way to the surface... I am a survivor. Now one of the sweetest things I can hear is "Oh, you're Krista's sister," and I love it! One of the greatest lessons that Krista has taught me is to be independent... to forge my own identity... and I have... though I will never stop being "a Maurer girl," because that is my favorite identity of all.

Kaycie Maurer

Maid of Honor

Kaycie was, as I used to call her, our accident. I mean honestly, for six years we had this little family made up of Daddy, Momma, Krista, and myself. It was perfect... or so I thought, because when this new little creature came along six years later I wanted nothing to do with her. The thing I remember most about the day she was born is that someone curled my hair and I HATED it! I was sitting in the little kitchen area of my kindergarten class crying about it when Krista ran in and told me we had a new baby sister... I think it made me cry harder. For six years I had been the baby, and I just knew I would be forgotten. The day she came home from the hospital I refused to go with dad and Krista to get her, because I just HAD to go roller-skating with my friends. She was a cute baby, and I think I even liked her for a while... but then she started to grow up, and boy was I cruel to her. I hit her, I made fun of her, I don't think there was a day that went by without me telling her that I hated her. There were moments of kindness... mostly when I wanted something from her or wanted to play with her toys... hence being caught on video saying, "Kaycie, I'm having a tea party without you!" However, just as most things fade with time, so did those feelings of hatred. Kaycie helped me get my life back on track... she saved me from myself... she completes all of us. I didn't know it as a child, but I can speak for all of us when I say that our little family wasn't perfect before she came along... we were missing something, and Kaycie was that missing link. Kaycie keeps me grounded. She is very rational (which I am not) and always helps me see both sides of the coin. I know that I am the big sister, but I look up to her, and always follow HER example. She is, and always will be, our Kaycie-baby.

Jeremy Barksdale

Best Man

From the beginning when "Jer" was born it has always been a surprise as to whether we were going to get along...haha. I was the only child for six years and let me tell you I had no idea what it meant to have a brother, nor did I know how different our experiences in life would be! Jer is very smart and he excels at almost everything - except ice skating which he briefly tried and decided that it was not for him.

Growing up, we were in different worlds, which made it hard for our mom since we usually didn't play well together. But, when Jeremy graduated from high school, I'll never forget how happy our mother was and how proud of him I was also! That summer Jeremy came out to Cali where he was to relax before heading to college at NC A&T to receive his BA in Broadcast Production. We took a trip to Las Vegas and played hard for a few days! Having a younger brother became really fun! All those previous years when we argued seemed to disappear. Upon my return home from Cali, Jer and I lived together again and we had our ups and downs. I remember one night Jeremy went outside and turned off the power because I had the music playing too loud when he was trying to study! Jer went on to graduate with honors and returned to school to pursue his masters degree!! He is currently working toward his PhD at Virgina Tech.

My brother has been a blessing in my life even though we lived apart the majority of time. I'm so grateful for his example and couldn't imagine my life without him!!

Josh Blade

Groomsman

So I totally thought I was going to have to pull a "Made of Honor" and make Josh one of my attendants, but my fabulous fiancé said he could be a groomsman. Josh and I have been best friends now for almost ten years. We met freshman year at BYU because he was in my ward... even though he wasn't a member of the church yet. We hung out all the time, and kept in touch through our tough times when I was on one side of the country and he was on the other. He joined the church, I went on my mission, and when I came back we were closer than ever. We even lived across the parking lot from eachother so we wouldn't have to go very far to hang out that first year. I have even broken up with a boyfriend for my friendship with Josh. Sorry buddy, but if you ask me to choose between my boyfriend of two months, and my best friend of 10 years... did you honestly think I would choose you? :) So when JJ expressed an interest in getting to know Josh and being friends with him too, I knew he was the man for me! Josh has taught me a lot of things, but one that sticks with me the most is to feel good about myself. He would always get upset with me when I put myself down, and if a boy ever treated me with less respect than he thought I deserved, he made sure to tell me to get out of that relationship. It's been a decade of ups and downs, but one thing that has remained constant is knowing that I always had a best friend in Josh.

morning cuddles

so, it never fails... sometime between 3:20 and 5:06 am, my body wakes up and is ready to take on the world. never mind that i went to bed at 10:30 and i really need at least 7 hours of sleep (which i'm only gettin 6 and a half of anyways cause i have to be up by 5) if i want to ensure the survival of myself and all the children that day. (every day is a success that you don't physically harm one of the delinquents) for the life of me i could not figure out why i was waking up. i am one of those people who sleeps very soundly, and can sleep through the entire night. i am not prone to waking up to go to the bathroom, i don't toss and turn, and i have certainly never had this HORRIBLE problem before. this is what i found out...

my husband NEVER sleeps through the night, is always up sometime between 3:20 and 5:06 to use the bathroom, and thinks its a really good idea when he gets back in bed to touch me. sometimes he just rubs my back, sometimes he scoots over to cuddle, and sometimes he just reaches over to push my hair back. tender right? WRONG! what were the first words out of my mouth when i made this discovery? "babe, don't touch me"... not the words a newlywed husband of a month likes to hear out of his new wife's mouth... but seriously! like i said, i am a pretty sound sleeper, but the moment someone touches me, it's over. i could be seriously asleep, and you could call my name over and over without a response, but you so much as lay a finger on me and i'll lay you out... speaking of, i'm surprised he hasn't gotten an unconscious elbow to the face yet. :)

now, what i have since learned is that while that was a contributing factor, him touching me and all, it wasn't everything. in the seven weeks i have been married, i have slept all the way through one, count them, ONE night... meaning i went to sleep and didn't wake up until my alarm... well i guess technically that's a little fib because my alarm goes off at 5:13 and i woke up at 5:06... but still, i made it past 5 AM! for me, that's a bit disconcerting. why you ask? BECAUSE I LOVE TO SLEEP! i probably love to sleep more than anything else in the whole world.... yes ANYTHING! i love to stay up late and sleep late... a habit now ruined by having to be a responsible adult... stupid growing up.

anyways, why am i dedicating a whole blog to this? well, first off because i am not as creative as krista who finds amazingly epiphanical (is that a word? i don't think so because my trusty mac is telling me it's not, so i made a new word... epiphanical: adj., having the characteristics of an epiphany) lessons from life and her garden. second off because i love sleep so much so i had to share that it's being interrupted by a well meaning husband and the stresses of life. third... because i have decided to roll with it...

this morning i didn't have to be up until 7:10 (because church starts at 8.... yeah, i know), but i woke up at 5:20. JJ says this morning it was his fault because he wanted to cuddle...

SELFISH! :)

i tried to climb back in bed after a quick trip to the bathroom (i drank a lot of diet coke and water last night) and to feed my hungry cat who immediately began yelling at me when i opened the door... she was telling me she couldn't believe how often i forget to feed her. but, i couldn't go back to sleep. i peeked out the window and saw what a beautiful sunrise we were having this morning, so i got back out of bed, grabbed my trusty mac (who might have a cold and need to go to the computer doctor), and went out onto the balcony. so now it's me, mac, my rocking chair, and wicked out here enjoying a beautiful sunrise and a welcome cool breeze... maybe fall is here? nope, it's supposed to be over 100 degrees all week.

i digress...

now, i am not telling you that i am going to embrace every morning with a positive attitude... we all know what a stretch that would be. :) but, i hope that eventually as i settle in to my new life, that i might look at the morning as the new day that it is, not looking forward or backward, but diving in to live that new day to its fullest. President Monson once said that if we are constantly looking forward and not living today, that eventually we will end up with a lot of empty yesterdays. that is my problem right now.

i want a baby, i want to be financially secure, i want to be back in south carolina, i want to be a stay at home mom... but that is all coming... tomorrow. while i have the chance, i need to

live today.

this was the beautiful sunrise this morning. i kinda like facing east.

wicked contemplating just how far down that next ledge is and if she can make it. i'm kinda glad we are on the third floor, cause she would totally jump off the second to make her great escape!

New life = New blog

so I have decided that with my new life... new husband (not that i had an old one), new job, new home, new EVERYTHING... that I wanted to start a new blog. "Locura" defined me for a long time, but I am slowly but surely settling down. (don't ask my family about my new tattoo :) ) so, i guess what i'm saying is that it's time to leave "locura" where it belongs... in the past.

i don't have a lot of time right now to catch up completely, but i am now residing in Gilbert, AZ. i say residing, and not living, because i have no intention of staying here for an extended period of time. a year or two at the most. i was kind of excited to come back to a dry climate, but then i got out here and realized just how dusty it is... not good for the lungs ya know? JJ really likes it out here though, and so i am just going to grin and bear it for the time being.

married life is great... definitely has its ups and downs, but the ups far outweigh the downs. the greatest thing? getting to wake up next to someone who doesn't mind giving you a morning kiss even when you have some pretty wicked morning breath! :) another great thing? seeing his smile when he walks through the door and sees me. i'm sure there will be some great stories for the blog.

the new job? well that's an interesting question. arizona is a bit more strict with hiring teachers... you have to be certified unless you work at a charter school... so i'm working at a charter school, waiting for my certificate so i can get a job closer to home. p.s. NEVER living in a big city again. that whole rush hour traffic has taken on new meaning for me out here. rush hour you ask? well it's actually rush THREE hours. if i'm not out the door by 6am (those of you who know me... well, all four of you who actually read this... know I am NOT a morning person) it takes an hour to go the distance that would normally take 20 minutes. i am teaching Spanish at a small alternative charter school in inner city Phoenix. my students are in gangs, recreationally use drugs every day, have 1-3 kids at 16 or 17 years old, and there are a couple girls known to "work" on 18th street... and yes, I mean "work." my students are anywhere from 14 years old to 21 years old, and they are all trying desperately trying to survive the streets and make something better of themselves... well maybe not all of them. the ones that are, however, are the ones that make the hour drive worth it. then there are the ones that break your heart. there is this one girl that's 20, and a crack whore... yeah, a real one. two weeks ago she came to school with two black eyes... oh, did i mention she was about five months preggers? apparently door knobs can give you two black eyes at the same time when you fall into them. anyways, last week she came to school with clear eyes, and a much better attitude. she was working so hard on her Spanish and was actually getting an A in the class. She got a 100% on her last test! I am so proud of her, but she disappeared on Wednesday and we haven't seen her since. I hope she's ok, and I hope she comes back, because she has so much potential.

did i mention that i made a great friend at work? she's GREAT! her name is Rachel and she is one of the history teachers. she is a member of the church, and she is HILARIOUS. we carpool just about every day now because it's nice to have the company, and it's nice to have someone to talk to about your day who really understands. she is in the trenches with me. i say, "do you have 'so and so,'" and she just says, "oooooh." no explanation necessary. :) it's awesome. there are a few other teachers, and office staff, that we are good friends with. we have happy hour every once in awhile. well, Rachel and i get waters and nachos, and the others have happy hour, but it's still nice to have the socialization.

anyways, i'm over and out for now. so here is to my dirty laundry... hope you have fun reading!

one week = wife (July 16, 2009)

So, I have been out of commission for awhile because I have been working 80

count them, 80 hours, a week.

I am in TEXAS this week for class. Other than wanting to tear my hair out from sitting through the most pointless and boring trainings of my life, it feels good to be in my cute house with my cute roommates.

In exactly one week from tonight I will be Mrs. Johnathan Barksdale. I cannot wait.

He is the love of my life and I can't wait to be with him FOREVER! :)

one of those uh-oh moments

so i just had to share this story. yesterday on the plane the FUNNIEST thing happened! i was in row 6 on the right side of the plane, and behind me was a mom with her adorable baby. the mom was a bit edgy, but i got to watch the baby sleep while the mom went to the restroom right before we took off. i am a little baby hungry right now, but that's neither here nor there. anyways, on the other side of the aisle in seats 7A and 7B are this brother and sister returning to their parents in phoenix, from who knows where. the brother was 11, the sister was i think around 9, and needless to say it was an interesting flight. at one point they were singing silly camp songs, which i'm sure the rest of the plane really appreciated, but for the most part they were just talking to each other and havin a good old time. when the baby started to wake up, the two kids struck up a conversation with the mom behind me by saying how cute the baby was, yada yada yada. and for the last 20 minutes of the flight they talked... loudly. and of course i was so amused that i eavesdropped the whole time... well i think the whole plane did, because i'm sure they could hear them. anyways, long story short, here are three of my favorite parts of this conversation.

random mom: hey do you know what this does? (it was a webkin) someone gave it to me for my daughter. (weird because the baby is like two months old max)
brother: oh yeah! (goes into a detailed explanation of what it is-->apparently an online pet that you take care of) you might want to save it for her when she's older because i think she might now understand (said in all seriousness about a two month old baby)
sister: i have 28 of them, i LOVE them!
brother: i used to like them, but now that i'm 11 i'm kinda over them... it's like a younger boy/girl thing.

next and MOST favorite part of the conversation
random mom: we are going out to phoenix so that (insert baby's name here) can meet her aunt pam and uncle allen.
sister: hey! we have an uncle allen!
brother: yeah but my parents are like hiding him right now because he should be in jail.
random mom: yeah you probably shouldn't tell people that

a little bit later...
brother: i got suspended from school once for cheating on a test
random mom: oh you shouldn't do that. you don't want to end up like your uncle allen.
brother: i hate my uncle allen. he has six kids and he tortured all of them.
random mom: yeah that's another thing you might not want to tell people.

pretty much the best plane ride of my life!