stupid pen (February 10, 2009)

So my heart is broken... into a million little pieces... and it all started with a pen...

Let me back up and tell you about Alvon... who is the most important person in my life (yes, besides all the obvious other important people). Alvon is 15 and a sophomore at Rudder High. He comes from a very difficult home life, no parent involvement in his academics, struggles with his grades, etc. Alvon was my best little buddy. I "adopted" him, and boy was I out to save the world. I talked with all his teachers, made sure he was passing, brought him McDonald's when he stayed late to make up a history test, went to all his basketball games... he was my baby... and the reason I came to College Station. That one little boy made all the shit (excuse my french) that I deal with on a daily basis worth it. He made it worth it to get out of bed in the morning, because I knew at least one of my students would be really happy to see me. He would come to my class in the morning, at lunch, after school, and whenever he could get a chance in between. I saw him change, I saw him start caring about school after a conversation we had about him going out to phoenix for college after he graduated in two years... I knew I was making a difference.

Last Wednesday everything changed. Another student picked Alvon's pen up off the floor where he had dropped it on accident, and proceeded to lend it to someone else. When Alvon saw that it was his pen, he said something about it, and a verbal altercation ensued. I did my best to avoid a bad situation, and it even escalated to where I had to kick the other kid out of class. I knew it was Alvon's pen, but I couldn't call the other kid a liar in front of everyone else, so I just took said pen, and gave everyone new pens... everyone's a winner right? WRONG! I have NO idea what happened, but somewhere along the way, Alvon got mad at me, and hasn't spoken to me except when absolutely necessary since. I have cried every single day, I have tried to talk to him, I got the other student changed to the other Spanish I class, I even tried to give him back his stupid pen, but everywhere is a dead end. I know he is hurting as well.... his other teachers have commented that he is more withdrawn, though more diligent in his work, which is a good thing i guess... but it still hurts more than anything i have ever experienced.

so, although i love my job most days, it also sucks because it is more than a job. my heart and soul have been poured into these kids, and my heart gets broken every single day... but it was ok, because there was this shining star helping me make it through, and as of now that star is gone. i can only hope and pray that time will heal this wound for both of us and that we can regain some semblance of what we had, but who knows... maybe he will never forgive me. if he doesn't i can only hope that he continues to be successful and become the man i know he can be, because no matter how he treats me, i still love him with a love that could rival any mother's, and i will always want what is best for him...

stupid pen