First, I just wanted to thank everyone for their outpouring of love and support for my post the other night. It was extremely difficult to put that out there, but I believe it's part of my healing process. I don't really have any "successes" to report, other than everyone is still alive, which in my book right now is pretty darn successful! :)
Anyways, tonight I had an interesting experience. I am incredibly sick, and have been for about four weeks. I've been alternating a stomach bug and bronchitis. It's pretty awesome... no, actually it's not. ;) I asked for a priesthood blessing* tonight, and was so grateful that my home teacher was able to come over at 9:30 pm and help out with that. I asked for a blessing of health, but got so much more....
Like I said in my previous post, I have been extremely angry at God my entire life because of what happened. I am STILL angry, but I'm trying not to be angry at Him. It is NOT His fault that someone exercised their agency for evil. He DOESN'T want things like this to happen, but if he intervened, he would "cease to be God." He gave us our agency, and unfortunately must watch with sorrow as horrible things happen. Now, I know that's the right answer.... that's the thing... I KNOW the answers to all those deep questions about life... but I don't *feel* them. His atonement is not "written on the fleshy part of my heart.
This is one of the things I am trying to work on... letting HIM take over and take it away. Well, it will never truly go away, but HE can make living with this trauma bearable. I know he can, but I don't know how to trust people, much less a God that I cannot see... though I have felt Him. I don't talk to Him much about what happened to me... in fact I don't talk to him very much at all, because I'm scared of being vulnerable. I am scared of opening up and really starting to heal, because I know it's going to be ugly and painful. However, I did ask him recently to allow me to have a spiritual experience. I just needed a little push from Him to let me know that He would be there when I was ready. Well, I think I am *almost* ready.
Tonight, during my "blessing of health," I was actually given a blessing of comfort. The words that came out of a man's mouth, who doesn't know anything about my situation, came straight from the Spirit.** He said things that only God would know, and he recognized my innermost struggles and the wounds in my soul. However, I was also promised not only physical healing, but a healing of that wounded soul as well.
God is great. I know he is there. I know he knows MY name. I know he is waiting for me to take the first step, and I'm almost there... almost there.
*for those of you that are not of my faith, you can read about priesthood blessings here: http://mormon.org/searchresults#?query=priesthood%20blessings&filter=site
**you can also read about our beliefs on the Godhead here: http://mormon.org/searchresults#?query=godhead&filter=site