Tuesday, May 21, 2013


First, I just wanted to thank everyone for their outpouring of love and support for my post the other night.  It was extremely difficult to put that out there, but I believe it's part of my healing process.  I don't really have any "successes" to report, other than everyone is still alive, which in my book right now is pretty darn successful!  :)

Anyways, tonight I had an interesting experience.  I am incredibly sick, and have been for about four weeks.  I've been alternating a stomach bug and bronchitis.  It's pretty awesome... no, actually it's not.  ;)  I asked for a priesthood blessing* tonight, and was so grateful that my home teacher was able to come over at 9:30 pm and help out with that.  I asked for a blessing of health, but got so much more....

Like I said in my previous post, I have been extremely angry at God my entire life because of what happened.  I am STILL angry, but I'm trying not to be angry at Him.  It is NOT His fault that someone exercised their agency for evil.  He DOESN'T want things like this to happen, but if he intervened, he would "cease to be God."  He gave us our agency, and unfortunately must watch with sorrow as horrible things happen.  Now, I know that's the right answer.... that's the thing... I KNOW the answers to all those deep questions about life... but I don't *feel* them.  His atonement is not "written on the fleshy part of my heart.

This is one of the things I am trying to work on... letting HIM take over and take it away.  Well, it will never truly go away, but HE can make living with this trauma bearable.  I know he can, but I don't know how to trust people, much less a God that I cannot see... though I have felt Him.  I don't talk to Him much about what happened to me... in fact I don't talk to him very much at all, because I'm scared of being vulnerable.  I am scared of opening up and really starting to heal, because I know it's going to be ugly and painful.  However, I did ask him recently to allow me to have a spiritual experience.  I just needed a little push from Him to let me know that He would be there when I was ready.  Well, I think I am *almost* ready.

Tonight, during my "blessing of health," I was actually given a blessing of comfort.  The words that came out of a man's mouth, who doesn't know anything about my situation, came straight from the Spirit.**  He said things that only God would know, and he recognized my innermost struggles and the wounds in my soul.  However, I was also promised not only physical healing, but a healing of that wounded soul as well.

God is great.  I know he is there.  I know he knows MY name.  I know he is waiting for me to take the first step, and I'm almost there... almost there.

*for those of you that are not of my faith, you can read about priesthood blessings here:  http://mormon.org/searchresults#?query=priesthood%20blessings&filter=site

**you can also read about our beliefs on the Godhead here:  http://mormon.org/searchresults#?query=godhead&filter=site

Friday, May 17, 2013

it's been a year...

yes, it's been a year since my last post.  i've been putting off writing this post for many reasons, but i'm tired of excuses, and it's time to tell my story.

let me add in a disclaimer here... this is a tragic story about what happens all too often to innocent children... sexual abuse.  i have been seeing a therapist for a few months now, and i talked to him a lot about this.  he is happy that i want to share my story, but he told me to be careful because many times we can experience "vicarious traumatization," meaning that someone else may be traumatized by my story.  that is obviously not my intention, so if this topic is too hard for you to stomach, i would suggest saving this post for another time.

after years of trying to deal with my trauma in many different ways, i have decided that face it head on, and learn to heal the wounds that were left on my soul so many years ago.  i feel strongly that part of my healing process is to tell my story.  there is a nine year old little girl inside of me that has been screaming in my head for the last 21 years, and it's time to acknowledge her and let her speak.

you may be wondering why i would want to do this in such a public place.  why would i want to share some of the most intimate and tragic details of my life with people other than my family?  the answer is simple.  i am pissed as hell.  it makes me furious that little girls and boys have to go through this... to have your innocence and trust be shattered in the most traumatic of ways.  did you know that 1 in 3 girls (and 1 in 7 boys) is sexually abused in some form by the time they are 18 years old?!  let me tell you that statistic again.... ONE in THREE.  i feel that as a society we don't talk about it enough, which is also why i am sharing this here.  it's one of the "unspeakables," which for me only fosters a sense of shame and guilt for the victims.  if my story can help even one other person to start on their healing journey, then it is well worth any of the scrutiny or criticism that may come of this.

i was nine years old when i was sexually abused by an older, male cousin.  it only happened one time, and for that i am grateful.  i know others who have experienced abuse far worse than what i went through, but that doesn't make what i went through any less traumatic.  as a young girl i was not emotionally ready to handle what happened to me.  i felt worthless and dirty, and i didn't want anyone to know... so i kept it to myself for the next five years.  when i finally told my parents i felt like i was somehow broken, but i didn't want to admit that.  i've always been the "strong" one, so i refused counseling, which looking back now, was a decision that i will always regret.  i then fell into a dangerous and destructive cycle as i tried to "treat" myself, which really just meant i tried to pretend it didn't happen.

pretending it didn't happen just made everything worse.  i was shattered into a million pieces on the inside, but i put on a happy face for everyone around me.  i was an athlete, a good student, a good friend, but this little girl inside of me was always yelling at me to fix her, and i didn't know how.  i went to church on sunday, i went to early morning seminary* every day of the week during the school year, i went to mutual on wednesday, and i went to EFY and girls camp every summer...but it was all for show.  i was angry at God, and because i was so angry, i felt unworthy of His love.

i was fifteen years old when i had my first drink, and over the next 11 years i fell into an awful pattern.  my life would be going good and i would get spooked because i "didn't deserve" a good life, so i would go out and do something to self-destruct. i also would attract, and probably even sought out destructive relationships, where i wasn't treated very well at all.  i did this because i blamed myself for what had happened to me, which in my mind translated to me deserving everything bad that happened to me... whether at my own hand or at someone else's.

Now, i know it wasn't my fault...well i guess i should say i'm starting to believe that it wasn't my fault. i am at the very beginning of what i know is going to be a long and painful journey.  i feel so blessed to have the family that i do for support and the counselor that i do for guidance.  and i also feel blessed to have this outlet to share my journey.  i know i set this blog up as somewhere to make and achieve goals, but i am so incredibly far from that.  at this point, i am going to be focusing on doing a couple things every day that will make me feel better.  i'm going to be trying to replace destructive thoughts and behaviors with positive thoughts and behaviors.  i am also going to use this as a place to talk about counseling sessions, and any thoughts i have about what we talked about.  i am taking my life and turning it upside down and i am excited for what is in store.

recently my sister came to visit and brought me a present... a piece of her art.

i had seen her working on this piece over the last couple years and always liked it.  i also always thought it was a drawing of her.  when she gave it to me she told me that the girl in the picture, was in fact, me...that she has watched me over the years as i've fallen and climbed and fallen and climbed... and that she was proud of me.  i love this picture for what it represents right now in my life.  i have been in the valley of shadows for awhile now, but i feel as the girl in the picture right now.  i feel i am climbing up into the sunshine and even though it hurts, it feels good.  i know there are some mountains in front of me that i still need to climb, but i'm finally ready for the challenge.

*for those of you not of my faith, seminary is essentially an early morning religion class that lasts your four years of high school, mutual is our midweek activity, and EFY and girls camp are religious summer camps.