Sunday, April 29, 2012

sleeping beauty

Our girl loves to sleep... most of the time.  :)  However, many nights i will go in and find her in positions that do NOT look comfortable.  i have learned, the hard way, never to touch her though because she's a pretty light sleeper and will be up in an instant!

i HATE it when she sticks her feet through the bars because sometimes her legs get stuck and that's no fun trying to pull wooden bars apart to rescue her... we almost broke out the butter one time.

here she is one afternoon when i went to wake her from a nap...

and finally here she is about two weeks ago.  seriously?!  how can that be even remotely comfortable?! 
p.s. do NOT judge me for the christmas pj's.  we had a little cold snap and it got down to like 40 overnight, and those are her only really warm jammies.  :)

these pictures are a wonderful visual as to why JJ and i get NO sleep when she ends up in our bed, which isn't very often (unless her mouth hurts a lot from those pesky teeth), but it's just a horrible night of sleep for everyone.  i literally woke up last night (or really about 3 am) and i was half way off the bed!  love this girl!  :)

Week 3

So this week was better than last week for some things, and worse than last week for others.

Goal 1: work out 4 times... i didn't work out once!  not even once!  i have no excuse besides "i was tired."  i am in a vicious cycle with my horrible back.  i was once again cursed with the family genes with inheriting my horribly crooked hips and deteriorating discs.  i really need to be super fit (especially in my core) in order to save myself from all my back problems, but the moment i even THINK about doing something physical, my back decides that it would rather i just sit out.  i'm really thinking that until i can lose some weight i will have to limit myself to walking.  i KNOW that walking is a wonderful exercise, but for some reason it just seems like it's not enough.  i still think of myself as an "athlete," which i used to be, and can be again someday, but for right now i need to remember that i'm a 31 year old mom with a bad back.  :-D

Goal 2: read my scriptures 10 minutes every night... i struggled with this for some reason this week and i think i only read twice.  i just plain forgot.  i'm thinking i might need to make myself some sort of a sign to hang on my bed to remind me.

Goal 3: technology fast... i did alright with this one, but i think that instead of lightening up a little, i'm actually going to go more strict.  i'm going to set a timer for my facebook usage so that once i get to an hour i'm done for the day whether that is at 9 AM or 9 PM.  i'm also going to quit pinning things on pinterest until i've actually looked at everything i've pinned so far.  i'm going to go to each website and decide if it's something i actually do want to have pinned or not.  i'm only going to allow myself on pinterest while i'm nursing so that will limit me to about 20 minutes total for the day.  i honestly cannot believe how much time i waste looking at my phone when there are so many wonderful things to be doing and exploring!

Goal 4: put my clothes away... i did really well this week!  i have no clothes hanging on my bed, and only a pair of jeans and a tshirt in the bathroom.  for those of you that don't know, we are still in a 1-bedroom apartment.  JJ's and my bed is in our dining area, and Laela has the room for herself.  This works for us because our lives don't have to stop when she goes to bed around 7:30, and she has a nice quiet space to sleep.  If we slept in the same room she would always be in our bed, and would wake up all the time.  Anyways, that is what makes it hard sometimes for me to put away clothes because i try not to go into the room at all once she goes down.  i'm going to try to make sure that my work clothes are put away before her bedtime so i don't let it pile up each day.

i decided to add another new goal this week... SPRING CLEANING!  Princess and i are headed back to south carolina for the summer in about 4 weeks and i want to make sure that the apartment is nice and clean before we leave.  i'm going to look up how to spring clean each of our small rooms and also borrow a carpet shampooer from a friend to clean our carpet.  i'm going to try to do this as "green" as possible...homemade cleaners and such, so we will see how that all goes!

well i hope y'all had a great week!  and here is to us working to achieve all of our goals!

Monday, April 23, 2012

Week 2

i have come to realize that week 2 is infinitely harder than week 1 whenever trying to start or break habits... and this was no different for me this week.  i will definitely cut myself some slack though because my entire life and schedule was turned upside down.  i found out that my grandfather was a lot worse than we thought he was, and he eventually passed away Friday morning, one day shy of his 82 birthday.  it was also AIMS (state testing) week at school and my entire schedule was completely messed up, resulting in juggling Laela around a little bit and me having to rush home at the end of the day.

that being said, i did NOT do so well with my goals this week.

Goal 1: work out 4 times a week ------> i worked out twice
Goal 2: read my scriptures at least ten minutes every day ------> i read three out of seven days
Goal 3: technology fast -----> i struggled with this one.  i was actually thinking of revising my guidelines to make it a little more "realistic" (read: easy) for myself to follow, but not i'm rethinking that.  i really don't think that my expectations are really all that difficult to meet.  probably the only 1 hour of tv would need to be extended a little bit because sometimes shows are two hours long (an hour and a half with my DVR), so i'm thinking i'll limit myself to one show instead of one hour.
Goal 4: put my clothes away after work -----> FAIL!  haha!  i did a teensy bit better, but i'm definitely staring at today's clothes hanging over my bed, and i also have clothes piled in the bathroom still.

needless to say i'm not going to pile more goals onto myself when i didn't even do a great job this week.  so, i'm going to work on those 4 goals again this week.

i'm also going to be working on actually trying to pinpoint the catalyst for my depression.  the little sister has a kick butt job at this place called New Haven, which is a treatment center for girls that struggle with all sorts of things in their lives.  they have this cool therapy technique where they pinpoint the girls' "core issue."  it's a struggle, and many times it is heart wrenching, however this in turn makes it much easier for these girls to overcome their issues.  i'm going to be watching for moments where i can feel myself sinking into a depressed state and make note of what was going on, or what happened, to push me over the edge.  when we go to Florida for my granddad's memorial service in three weeks i will be having a "core issue" discussion with kaycie in order to uncover mine and help with my healing process.  i know it's going to be uncomfortable, but i'm excited to make some progress on the inside as well as the outside.

have a fantastic week!!

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Checking In - Week 1

Happy Sunday!!! I hope you had a fabulous week, because I sure did.

I almost met my goals this week.

Goal #1 was to work out 4 times this week... I worked out 3 times. Monday, of course, I was very motivated and actually made it to the gym for a swim. It felt awesome, and I loved being back in the water. Then Tuesday rolled around and my motivation had waned. I kept telling myself that I would get off the sofa and go for a walk, but that never happened. After I put Princess down for the night I half-heartedly put in a workout video, but that lasted all of five minutes. Wednesday my motivation had returned and I made it to a Zumba class. On Thursday, Princess and I stayed at the apartment and played because I was going to work out Friday and Saturday, but then on Friday morning I remembered that I had ZERO time to get a work out in. On Saturday, Princess and I went for an awesome walk. We live about a mile and a half away from a mall, so we decided to walk there, stopping at various stores along the way. It was super fun, and then Daddy met us for lunch. After that we went to the playground at the mall and walked around looking at puppies and cute furniture. I guess I could have made up for it today, but I had about 200 quizzes to grade, so that took priority.

Goal #2 was to read my scriptures at least ten minutes every day. The only night I missed was Friday and that was only because I fell asleep literally as soon as my head hit the pillow. I don't even remember climbing into bed. The only thing I remember about that night was Princess waking up at 2 and not going back to sleep until 4:30. I read ensign articles every night, and I loved the article about being patient with your toddlers, because Princess is really trying my patience right now with her headstrong personality.

This week I will continue with those goals and add two more. My first new goal is a technology fast. I spend way too much time looking at my iPhone, and way too little time looking at my Princess. I have limited time with her every day, and that time needs to be quality. So, after she goes to bed I am allowed a little bit of technology, but I am limiting Facebook to one hour a day, TV to one hour a day, and I am only going to use my phone for actual phone things and navigation, meaning no mobile apps... *gasp* i will have to check my email the old fashioned way! :-D I am hoping this will help me put things back into perspective, and help me appreciate things more.

My second new goal is to PUT MY DANG CLOTHES AWAY! When I get home from work the first thing I do is strip off the work clothes and put on some comfies... fantastic yes, but it results in piles like this..

(yes this is four days of work clothes hanging over my bed)
and this...

(this is another two or three days of clothes piled in the bathroom)

One of my roles as a wife and mother is to have an orderly house. I know that we are not perfect, and my house will never be white glove ready, but the unnecessary clutter will be dealt with this week.

So, I will check in again next week and let you know how I'm doing. For now though, I feel great! I made sure to spend great quality time with my Princess this week and we had a blast. I feel more alive and more in control. Here is to week 2...

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Change is in the Air

I have started a new blog.

Go on over and have a peek! :)


Hello! Welcome to my new blog. I'm so glad you stopped by and hope you will follow me on my journey to become a better me.

I have done a lot of thinking the last few days and have realized that I am depressed. I have struggled with depression a lot in my life for various reasons, which will not be delved into in such a public forum, but most recently I fell back into depression after Laela was born... PPD (post-partum depression)... which was also accompanied by a strong case of PPA (post-partum anxiety). These two illnesses have been affecting my life the past year and I really want to get a handle on them.

I am also going through quite a trial right now... a trail that I wouldn't wish on anyone. This trial is incredibly draining emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, and physically.

My trail, accompanied by my PPD and PPA have made for a long and exhausting year, but I need to make some changes. I don't play with Laela or enjoy my days with her to their fullest. I don't take pride in my work anymore. I haven't been keeping in touch with my family and close friends. I haven't been taking care of my body, inside or out. I haven't been taking care of my home. And, probably the most important, I haven't been taking care of my spirit.

I have decided to take myself on a journey to find that JOY that is spoken of in the scriptures. Heavenly Father tells us repeatedly to test him, to allow him to prove to us that he keeps his promises... and that is exactly what I am going to do.

I do not have a plan, which I know I need to develop, but it's coming along in my head. I will share it as it evolves. What I do know is that I am going to desperately try to start new and positive habits which in turn will not only make me a better person, but will lift me from my depression and allow me to find JOY... JOY even in the midst of trial.

This coming week my goal is to make sure that I read my scriptures at least ten minutes every day, and work out at least 4 times. I will be sure to check in and report my progress. Not only is this to keep me accountable to those (whoever you may be) that will be following my journey, but also so that I may have a journal of my struggles and triumphs. I want Laela to be able to read this one day and see that no matter what happens in life, that there is always a way back UP... there is always a way to find JOY.