First, I just wanted to thank everyone for their outpouring of love and support for my post the other night. It was extremely difficult to put that out there, but I believe it's part of my healing process. I don't really have any "successes" to report, other than everyone is still alive, which in my book right now is pretty darn successful! :)
Anyways, tonight I had an interesting experience. I am incredibly sick, and have been for about four weeks. I've been alternating a stomach bug and bronchitis. It's pretty awesome... no, actually it's not. ;) I asked for a priesthood blessing* tonight, and was so grateful that my home teacher was able to come over at 9:30 pm and help out with that. I asked for a blessing of health, but got so much more....
Like I said in my previous post, I have been extremely angry at God my entire life because of what happened. I am STILL angry, but I'm trying not to be angry at Him. It is NOT His fault that someone exercised their agency for evil. He DOESN'T want things like this to happen, but if he intervened, he would "cease to be God." He gave us our agency, and unfortunately must watch with sorrow as horrible things happen. Now, I know that's the right answer.... that's the thing... I KNOW the answers to all those deep questions about life... but I don't *feel* them. His atonement is not "written on the fleshy part of my heart.
This is one of the things I am trying to work on... letting HIM take over and take it away. Well, it will never truly go away, but HE can make living with this trauma bearable. I know he can, but I don't know how to trust people, much less a God that I cannot see... though I have felt Him. I don't talk to Him much about what happened to me... in fact I don't talk to him very much at all, because I'm scared of being vulnerable. I am scared of opening up and really starting to heal, because I know it's going to be ugly and painful. However, I did ask him recently to allow me to have a spiritual experience. I just needed a little push from Him to let me know that He would be there when I was ready. Well, I think I am *almost* ready.
Tonight, during my "blessing of health," I was actually given a blessing of comfort. The words that came out of a man's mouth, who doesn't know anything about my situation, came straight from the Spirit.** He said things that only God would know, and he recognized my innermost struggles and the wounds in my soul. However, I was also promised not only physical healing, but a healing of that wounded soul as well.
God is great. I know he is there. I know he knows MY name. I know he is waiting for me to take the first step, and I'm almost there... almost there.
*for those of you that are not of my faith, you can read about priesthood blessings here: http://mormon.org/searchresults#?query=priesthood%20blessings&filter=site
**you can also read about our beliefs on the Godhead here: http://mormon.org/searchresults#?query=godhead&filter=site
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Monday, January 14, 2013
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Angels
*sculpture of the unborn child by Martin Hudack of Slovakia*
When I shared this photo on my Facebook wall on December 15, I shared it because it was beautiful and touching. I have a few friends that have experienced miscarriages at various stages of pregnancy... in fact I shared it from the wall of one of those dear friends. I shared it to show my love and support of all those (1 in 4 mind you) that have had a loss. I also shared it because I had just found out that I was pregnant... about 5 weeks along, and I knew what it was like to love that tiny bean growing inside your belly, even before it had a heart, or a face, or even it's "flippers." :) I had never lost a pregnancy, but I could only imagine the pain that would accompany losing one. Laela was my first, she stuck, and now she's turning TWO in 8 days! (oh cruel time, please slow down)
We bought Laela this shirt to tell our family on Christmas Eve, and I told a few friends and my sisters... even though I wasn't supposed to. I was SO early along, but I was SO excited and just couldn't hold it in. We were so excited to be growing our little family. We were worried about finances, but this baby wasn't *planned,* so we were convinced it was "meant to be."
Christmas eve rolled around and we put Laela into her shirt and sent her into my parents room where they were getting ready for Christmas Eve dinner with family friends. She waltzed right in, with the rest of us lurking in the hallway to hear the reactions. Nothing happened for a few minutes and we started to get impatient. Then we heard, "Wait a minute.... what does that say... look at this... is that saying what I think it's saying?" and them my mom came running out to the hallway crying with excitement. We of course had a great laugh at her expense since she was the "last to know"... as usual. FYI to everyone out there... if your little girl has sisters she's extremely close to, they will be the first to know everything for the rest of their lives. Being a sister is a very special bond.
Christmas morning arrived, and not like anyone planned. Kaycie's husband Alex had come down with the flu and was having relations with the porcelain throne just about every half hour. We decided to postpone Christmas until the next day because Laela really didn't know what was going on anyways, so what did it matter? We went about our day watching movies, taking naps, taking turns playing nurse to the sick one, and spending time with the fam. Then something went horribly wrong... with me...
JJ and I went to the ER about 6 pm, and we were there until about midnight. Around 10:30 pm we got the devastating news that there was no longer a heartbeat... no longer a pregnancy. I started praying... not very nicely I might add... asking why this had happened. I know I was *only seven weeks along* but I was already extremely attached to that little bean. Laela would pat my belly and say "hi baby!" just about every day. How was I going to tell her there was "no more baby," and would she even understand? At that moment I heard a voice in my head tell me that this was "for my good and to take a huge burden off of my shoulders at this time." I protested, saying back, "but this is my baby... this is Laela's sibling!" The voice then very quietly and reassuringly said, "There will be more."
As I grieved the loss of this baby in the arms of my husband, I knew that this precious spirit was back in the arms of their Heavenly Father to wait just a little longer for a better time to come to our family. I marveled at the miracle of our body... that it can create life in the first place, but it can also take care of and protect itself if something just isn't right with the pregnancy. My body was not ready physically to be pregnant again... there are some things I need to do first. I also thought about a dear friend that had just given birth to her *rainbow baby* that very Christmas day. Babies born after a loss are referred to as rainbow babies because they are the rainbow after the storm.
The next day we celebrated *Christmas* by opening presents. My husband, who was going to buy me a food dehydrator, still wanted to have something under the tree for me. He went out in search of something on Christmas Eve, and this is what he found...
Who knew the significance that this would really have?
A few days later I was given a poem by one of JJ's cousins who knew all too well what I was going through. It's called "Just Those Few Weeks" by Susan Erling
For those few weeks -
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks -
I came to know you...
and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks -
When I lost you,
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams, and aspirations...
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks -
It wasn't enough time to convince others
How special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing.
Just a mere few weeks -
And no "normal" person would cry all night
over a tiny, unfinished baby,
Or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?
You were just those few weeks my little one.
You darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life so much richer
and give me a small glimpse of eternity.
With all my talk about "meaning" and "reason" and "miracles," some may say that I have great perspective and seem to be *healing* well. I am trying. However, there are days that I don't want to get out of bed. There are days that I want to cry all day long. But, all I need to do is think about her....
...this precious girl that is right here in front of me. She is my everything.
God lives. He loves me. He has a plan for me, and he will bless me with another sweet baby in His time. Until then I will wait, I will watch, and I will wonder, but most of all... I will love.
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