Wednesday, October 9, 2013


I came across this song recently and have really connected to it.  Thoughts?

Who Am I?

Recently my counselor and I have not really touched the subject of my abuse.  I think he sensed that I needed a break.  Healing from something like that is incredibly taxing emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually.  I needed some time away from it, so we have been mainly focusing on my need to be super woman.

I want to do it all and be it all, but I have learned that because of the abuse I tend to focus my time on things that I have the most control over.  I don't like feeling out of control, which is what your abuser takes from you.  What that means in my life at this time is that I focus mostly on work, which means that in turn, my relationships with people suffer... even my most important relationships with my daughter and husband.  As I'm sure most of you know, it's REALLY hard to control a 2 year old girl and a 40 year old man.  They just don't do what I want them to do ALL the time!  Let's be honest... very rarely do they do what I would like them to do!  ;)

So, not only have I been putting in nine hour days at work, but I would come home and open my computer up and work...and work... and work... and work some more.  I would work instead of take advantage of the few precious hours that I had with my daughter.  I would work instead of spending time with my husband after the baby had gone to sleep.

I would work because I was good at it, and it was a way for me to excel at something and not have to focus on the broken parts of myself.  However, that was causing more parts to break.  I was on the brink of a mental breakdown... like crazy town breakdown.  In talking to my counselor he asked me two very important questions.  First, he asked me if I got paid extra for working at home.... No.  Second, he asked me if that was more important than spending time with my daughter and husband...again, No.  So then why was I doing that?!

Another thing that it was doing, is that with me being focused on everyone and everything but myself, I had lost who I was.  I look in the mirror and see a shell of who I once was.  A bigger shell because I've gained weight, but just a shell.  There is no more sparkle in my eye, there is no more vibrancy.  I miss that.  I miss me.

We made some goals.  1) No more working from home.  2) Pick up a new hobby.  3) Spend time nurturing important relationships. 4) Nurture myself to re-find myself.

We made those goals three weeks ago, and here is how I am doing.

1) I don't work from home anymore.  Every once in awhile I will, but for the most part, work stays at work.

2)  I have not decided on my hobby yet.  I'm toying with a couple ideas though, so hopefully that will come soon.

3)  I spend time with my husband and my daughter in the evenings and on the weekends.

4)  This is the hard one.  I have been doing some pretty small things that I enjoy, like I read a book and started eating healthy.  I've lost a few pounds, so I'm happy about that.  I have a long way to go just like with everything else, but I know I can get there one step at a time.

The thing I am having the most trouble with is figuring out who I am anymore.  I really like who I used to be, but I am not that person anymore.  I have a husband.  I have a daughter.  I have an entirely different perspective in life due to those paradigm shifts.

However, I do have another blog that's more our family journal (I'm horrible at keeping it up though).  I was writing an update post earlier, and saw the little blurb I had written about myself off to the side.  It says:

hi! my name is karly and thanks for stopping by! i am a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a teacher, and a friend. right now i call the desert of Arizona home, but the SOUTH will always be my true home as it is indelibly etched into my heart and soul.

I think that's a good place to start, but let me ask those of you that know me.

Who do YOU think I am?

it's been awhile crocodile

it's been a very long time since I last posted, and the winds of change have been a blowin!  Here are the highlights...

1) I got a new job!  I am not an online high school teacher.  I teach in the electives department, and they already have me branching out from Spanish.  I not only teach Spanish, but also a career exploration course, and they have also allowed me to teach a middle school course based on the 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens.  That's probably my favorite class so far, and those middle school kids have some amazing things to say.  It's like this world hasn't jaded them yet, and I hope they stay that way.  As with any job there are things about it that I really like, and things about it that I don't really like.  I am making more money though, which will help us to get out of debt sooner, but it's tough because it's full time so that means less time with the booboo.  We were so sad to have to leave Jenny's, where Lae had been going for two years, but we found a full time situation that is just about as close to Jenny as you can get.  Eventually I will be able to phase out of the office and work part time from home, which will be really amazing, especially if we would like our family to grow anytime soon.

2) I got a new nephew!  Well, I guess I should say I got a nephew, since I didn't have any before.  It's so surreal that my baby sister now has a baby, but it is the truth.  He is chunky, and smiley, and perfect. I never appreciated Laela's baby cry more though.  That kid has got some lungs on him, and he is not shy about making sure everyone on the block knows he is ticked that mom isn't getting that milk to him fast enough!  Seriously though, cutest kid ever.  (after Lae of course)  :)

3)  Krista moved to Florida!  I'm insanely jealous of her new office view that looks out over my grandparents' property along the Orange River.  She moved down there to look after dear old gram, plus she was due for some change and a new adventure.  I am super duper sad she is like 6 times further away now though.

4)  JJ's grandmother, affectionately known as everyone's Nana, passed away two weeks ago.  She was essentially JJ's mother, so it's been very hard.  Booboo and I flew out there to see her while she was still living.  That meant we didn't get to attend the funeral, as we just didn't have the money, but we felt it was more important for her to see Laela, and for Laela to see her one more time.  She was an incredibly special lady to everyone that ever knew her.  The obituary written by Aunt Jean was one of the most touching tributes I have ever read.  I will add that as a post as well.

5) We moved and hate our new apartment.  Epic. Fail.  We cannot wait until our lease is up in May!!

Welp, that's all I can think of for now folks.  More soon....hopefully.