I want to do it all and be it all, but I have learned that because of the abuse I tend to focus my time on things that I have the most control over. I don't like feeling out of control, which is what your abuser takes from you. What that means in my life at this time is that I focus mostly on work, which means that in turn, my relationships with people suffer... even my most important relationships with my daughter and husband. As I'm sure most of you know, it's REALLY hard to control a 2 year old girl and a 40 year old man. They just don't do what I want them to do ALL the time! Let's be honest... very rarely do they do what I would like them to do! ;)
So, not only have I been putting in nine hour days at work, but I would come home and open my computer up and work...and work... and work... and work some more. I would work instead of take advantage of the few precious hours that I had with my daughter. I would work instead of spending time with my husband after the baby had gone to sleep.
I would work because I was good at it, and it was a way for me to excel at something and not have to focus on the broken parts of myself. However, that was causing more parts to break. I was on the brink of a mental breakdown... like crazy town breakdown. In talking to my counselor he asked me two very important questions. First, he asked me if I got paid extra for working at home.... No. Second, he asked me if that was more important than spending time with my daughter and husband...again, No. So then why was I doing that?!
Another thing that it was doing, is that with me being focused on everyone and everything but myself, I had lost who I was. I look in the mirror and see a shell of who I once was. A bigger shell because I've gained weight, but just a shell. There is no more sparkle in my eye, there is no more vibrancy. I miss that. I miss me.
We made some goals. 1) No more working from home. 2) Pick up a new hobby. 3) Spend time nurturing important relationships. 4) Nurture myself to re-find myself.
We made those goals three weeks ago, and here is how I am doing.
1) I don't work from home anymore. Every once in awhile I will, but for the most part, work stays at work.
2) I have not decided on my hobby yet. I'm toying with a couple ideas though, so hopefully that will come soon.
3) I spend time with my husband and my daughter in the evenings and on the weekends.
4) This is the hard one. I have been doing some pretty small things that I enjoy, like I read a book and started eating healthy. I've lost a few pounds, so I'm happy about that. I have a long way to go just like with everything else, but I know I can get there one step at a time.
The thing I am having the most trouble with is figuring out who I am anymore. I really like who I used to be, but I am not that person anymore. I have a husband. I have a daughter. I have an entirely different perspective in life due to those paradigm shifts.
However, I do have another blog that's more our family journal (I'm horrible at keeping it up though). I was writing an update post earlier, and saw the little blurb I had written about myself off to the side. It says:
hi! my name is karly and thanks for stopping by! i am a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a teacher, and a friend. right now i call the desert of Arizona home, but the SOUTH will always be my true home as it is indelibly etched into my heart and soul.
I think that's a good place to start, but let me ask those of you that know me.
Who do YOU think I am?
Who do YOU think I am?