MIA

hey y'all!  i have been MIA for the last few weeks.  i haven't quit, life just got REALLY busy.  the end of the school year is the busiest time for a teacher, so it's been crazy at work.  also, my granddad passed away and we traveled to florida for his memorial.  needless to say, i haven't been fantastic with my goals of late.  i'm still chugging away though and will write a more thorough check in when school is out and my grades are submitted.  :)

sleeping beauty

Our girl loves to sleep... most of the time.  :)  However, many nights i will go in and find her in positions that do NOT look comfortable.  i have learned, the hard way, never to touch her though because she's a pretty light sleeper and will be up in an instant!

i HATE it when she sticks her feet through the bars because sometimes her legs get stuck and that's no fun trying to pull wooden bars apart to rescue her... we almost broke out the butter one time.

here she is one afternoon when i went to wake her from a nap...

and finally here she is about two weeks ago.  seriously?!  how can that be even remotely comfortable?! 

p.s. do NOT judge me for the christmas pj's.  we had a little cold snap and it got down to like 40 overnight, and those are her only really warm jammies.  :)

these pictures are a wonderful visual as to why JJ and i get NO sleep when she ends up in our bed, which isn't very often (unless her mouth hurts a lot from those pesky teeth), but it's just a horrible night of sleep for everyone.  i literally woke up last night (or really about 3 am) and i was half way off the bed!  love this girl!  :)

Week 3

So this week was better than last week for some things, and worse than last week for others.

Goal 1: work out 4 times... i didn't work out once!  not even once!  i have no excuse besides "i was tired."  i am in a vicious cycle with my horrible back.  i was once again cursed with the family genes with inheriting my horribly crooked hips and deteriorating discs.  i really need to be super fit (especially in my core) in order to save myself from all my back problems, but the moment i even THINK about doing something physical, my back decides that it would rather i just sit out.  i'm really thinking that until i can lose some weight i will have to limit myself to walking.  i KNOW that walking is a wonderful exercise, but for some reason it just seems like it's not enough.  i still think of myself as an "athlete," which i used to be, and can be again someday, but for right now i need to remember that i'm a 31 year old mom with a bad back.  :-D

Goal 2: read my scriptures 10 minutes every night... i struggled with this for some reason this week and i think i only read twice.  i just plain forgot.  i'm thinking i might need to make myself some sort of a sign to hang on my bed to remind me.

Goal 3: technology fast... i did alright with this one, but i think that instead of lightening up a little, i'm actually going to go more strict.  i'm going to set a timer for my facebook usage so that once i get to an hour i'm done for the day whether that is at 9 AM or 9 PM.  i'm also going to quit pinning things on pinterest until i've actually looked at everything i've pinned so far.  i'm going to go to each website and decide if it's something i actually do want to have pinned or not.  i'm only going to allow myself on pinterest while i'm nursing so that will limit me to about 20 minutes total for the day.  i honestly cannot believe how much time i waste looking at my phone when there are so many wonderful things to be doing and exploring!

Goal 4: put my clothes away... i did really well this week!  i have no clothes hanging on my bed, and only a pair of jeans and a tshirt in the bathroom.  for those of you that don't know, we are still in a 1-bedroom apartment.  JJ's and my bed is in our dining area, and Laela has the room for herself.  This works for us because our lives don't have to stop when she goes to bed around 7:30, and she has a nice quiet space to sleep.  If we slept in the same room she would always be in our bed, and would wake up all the time.  Anyways, that is what makes it hard sometimes for me to put away clothes because i try not to go into the room at all once she goes down.  i'm going to try to make sure that my work clothes are put away before her bedtime so i don't let it pile up each day.

i decided to add another new goal this week... SPRING CLEANING!  Princess and i are headed back to south carolina for the summer in about 4 weeks and i want to make sure that the apartment is nice and clean before we leave.  i'm going to look up how to spring clean each of our small rooms and also borrow a carpet shampooer from a friend to clean our carpet.  i'm going to try to do this as "green" as possible...homemade cleaners and such, so we will see how that all goes!

well i hope y'all had a great week!  and here is to us working to achieve all of our goals!

Week 2

i have come to realize that week 2 is infinitely harder than week 1 whenever trying to start or break habits... and this was no different for me this week.  i will definitely cut myself some slack though because my entire life and schedule was turned upside down.  i found out that my grandfather was a lot worse than we thought he was, and he eventually passed away Friday morning, one day shy of his 82 birthday.  it was also AIMS (state testing) week at school and my entire schedule was completely messed up, resulting in juggling Laela around a little bit and me having to rush home at the end of the day.

that being said, i did NOT do so well with my goals this week.

Goal 1: work out 4 times a week ------> i worked out twice
Goal 2: read my scriptures at least ten minutes every day ------> i read three out of seven days
Goal 3: technology fast -----> i struggled with this one.  i was actually thinking of revising my guidelines to make it a little more "realistic" (read: easy) for myself to follow, but not i'm rethinking that.  i really don't think that my expectations are really all that difficult to meet.  probably the only 1 hour of tv would need to be extended a little bit because sometimes shows are two hours long (an hour and a half with my DVR), so i'm thinking i'll limit myself to one show instead of one hour.
Goal 4: put my clothes away after work -----> FAIL!  haha!  i did a teensy bit better, but i'm definitely staring at today's clothes hanging over my bed, and i also have clothes piled in the bathroom still.

needless to say i'm not going to pile more goals onto myself when i didn't even do a great job this week.  so, i'm going to work on those 4 goals again this week.

i'm also going to be working on actually trying to pinpoint the catalyst for my depression.  the little sister has a kick butt job at this place called New Haven, which is a treatment center for girls that struggle with all sorts of things in their lives.  they have this cool therapy technique where they pinpoint the girls' "core issue."  it's a struggle, and many times it is heart wrenching, however this in turn makes it much easier for these girls to overcome their issues.  i'm going to be watching for moments where i can feel myself sinking into a depressed state and make note of what was going on, or what happened, to push me over the edge.  when we go to Florida for my granddad's memorial service in three weeks i will be having a "core issue" discussion with kaycie in order to uncover mine and help with my healing process.  i know it's going to be uncomfortable, but i'm excited to make some progress on the inside as well as the outside.

have a fantastic week!!

Checking In - Week 1

Happy Sunday!!! I hope you had a fabulous week, because I sure did.

I almost met my goals this week.

Goal #1 was to work out 4 times this week... I worked out 3 times. Monday, of course, I was very motivated and actually made it to the gym for a swim. It felt awesome, and I loved being back in the water. Then Tuesday rolled around and my motivation had waned. I kept telling myself that I would get off the sofa and go for a walk, but that never happened. After I put Princess down for the night I half-heartedly put in a workout video, but that lasted all of five minutes. Wednesday my motivation had returned and I made it to a Zumba class. On Thursday, Princess and I stayed at the apartment and played because I was going to work out Friday and Saturday, but then on Friday morning I remembered that I had ZERO time to get a work out in. On Saturday, Princess and I went for an awesome walk. We live about a mile and a half away from a mall, so we decided to walk there, stopping at various stores along the way. It was super fun, and then Daddy met us for lunch. After that we went to the playground at the mall and walked around looking at puppies and cute furniture. I guess I could have made up for it today, but I had about 200 quizzes to grade, so that took priority.

Goal #2 was to read my scriptures at least ten minutes every day. The only night I missed was Friday and that was only because I fell asleep literally as soon as my head hit the pillow. I don't even remember climbing into bed. The only thing I remember about that night was Princess waking up at 2 and not going back to sleep until 4:30. I read ensign articles every night, and I loved the article about being patient with your toddlers, because Princess is really trying my patience right now with her headstrong personality.

This week I will continue with those goals and add two more. My first new goal is a technology fast. I spend way too much time looking at my iPhone, and way too little time looking at my Princess. I have limited time with her every day, and that time needs to be quality. So, after she goes to bed I am allowed a little bit of technology, but I am limiting Facebook to one hour a day, TV to one hour a day, and I am only going to use my phone for actual phone things and navigation, meaning no mobile apps... *gasp* i will have to check my email the old fashioned way! :-D I am hoping this will help me put things back into perspective, and help me appreciate things more.

My second new goal is to PUT MY DANG CLOTHES AWAY! When I get home from work the first thing I do is strip off the work clothes and put on some comfies... fantastic yes, but it results in piles like this..

(yes this is four days of work clothes hanging over my bed)

and this...

(this is another two or three days of clothes piled in the bathroom)

One of my roles as a wife and mother is to have an orderly house. I know that we are not perfect, and my house will never be white glove ready, but the unnecessary clutter will be dealt with this week.

So, I will check in again next week and let you know how I'm doing. For now though, I feel great! I made sure to spend great quality time with my Princess this week and we had a blast. I feel more alive and more in control. Here is to week 2...

Change is in the Air

I have started a new blog.

Go on over and have a peek! :)

Welcome

Hello! Welcome to my new blog. I'm so glad you stopped by and hope you will follow me on my journey to become a better me.

I have done a lot of thinking the last few days and have realized that I am depressed. I have struggled with depression a lot in my life for various reasons, which will not be delved into in such a public forum, but most recently I fell back into depression after Laela was born... PPD (post-partum depression)... which was also accompanied by a strong case of PPA (post-partum anxiety). These two illnesses have been affecting my life the past year and I really want to get a handle on them.

I am also going through quite a trial right now... a trail that I wouldn't wish on anyone. This trial is incredibly draining emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, and physically.

My trail, accompanied by my PPD and PPA have made for a long and exhausting year, but I need to make some changes. I don't play with Laela or enjoy my days with her to their fullest. I don't take pride in my work anymore. I haven't been keeping in touch with my family and close friends. I haven't been taking care of my body, inside or out. I haven't been taking care of my home. And, probably the most important, I haven't been taking care of my spirit.

I have decided to take myself on a journey to find that JOY that is spoken of in the scriptures. Heavenly Father tells us repeatedly to test him, to allow him to prove to us that he keeps his promises... and that is exactly what I am going to do.

I do not have a plan, which I know I need to develop, but it's coming along in my head. I will share it as it evolves. What I do know is that I am going to desperately try to start new and positive habits which in turn will not only make me a better person, but will lift me from my depression and allow me to find JOY... JOY even in the midst of trial.

This coming week my goal is to make sure that I read my scriptures at least ten minutes every day, and work out at least 4 times. I will be sure to check in and report my progress. Not only is this to keep me accountable to those (whoever you may be) that will be following my journey, but also so that I may have a journal of my struggles and triumphs. I want Laela to be able to read this one day and see that no matter what happens in life, that there is always a way back UP... there is always a way to find JOY.

Tag! You're It!

I've been tagged!

Yep, kayc-face got me, so here we go...

Here are the rules:

1. Post these rules.

2. Post a photo.

3. Post 11 random things about yourself/answer the questions

4. Create 11 new questions and tag people to answer them.

5. Go to their blog/twitter/facebook and tell them you've tagged them.

(this is a picture of me the day before i got married. we were at kaycie's mermaid show)

Question time:

1. What is your favorite childhood memory?

hmm, let's see. i actually have the WORST memory of my sisters, so this is actually a really hard question for me. i am not sure if what i have are actually memories or rather reconstructions of things my family members have told me. i also had a really GREAT childhood, so it's going to be hard to choose one, but i will do my best. the one that i keep coming back to would be when i was about 5 or 6 years old. i wanted to play T-ball... on an all boys team. my parents signed me up and my mom was taking me to my first practice. she forced me to wear a white shirt with ruffles, pink shorts with flowers on them, and white tennis shoes with those white lacy socks... you know the ones that are like a dress sock material with ridges with a bow a lace around the top. if you know me at all, you would know that is NOT the type of thing that my tomboyish self would have put on if given a choice. but... i digress. anyways, we showed up to the first practice and i got out of the car (mortified of course) and all these little boys and the all male coaches were staring at me and laughing. i.wanted.to.die. well, that is until it was my turn to bat. I HIT A HOME RUN... and not just any home run. i hit the ball out of the field and it actually landed in a lagoon. i ran around the bases and it was funny to see all their faces. ah, sweet revenge. :)

2. If you could have a secret identity, what would it be?

i would moonlight as a hip hop dancer. i've always wanted to get in shape and take an adult hip hop class so i could be as cool as kaycie, but alas... i don't know if that will ever happen. haha

3. If you could go back to any time period, which one would it be and why?

hmm, i don't know. every era that has been awesome has also had some bad stuff to go along with it. for example, the 20s were awesome with the clothes and hairstyles, but socially there were a lot of things socially that were tough, and it was followed up by the great depression... so that's a downer. however, i have chosen the BEST time period ever. i would go back to the time of Emma. If you have ever seen the movie based on the novel by Jane Austen, starring Gwyneth Paltrow, you will know why. oh man.... the clothes, and the parties, and the hair, and the propriety... *sigh* i would love that.

4. What is your absolute favorite song of all time? Why?

"In your eyes" by Peter Gabriel. Um, have you heard it?!? nuff said.

5. If you knew you were going to die in one week, what would you do for the remainder of your life?

i would travel like crazy to see all my family and friends, and also and i would try to get a few things on my bucket list done. i would bring Laela and JJ with me of course and i would kiss them every hour. i would rock Laela to sleep for every nap and every night, and i would sleep with her. i would make lots of love, write a lot of letters, and take a ton of pictures for Laela to remember me. gosh, just thinking about leaving my husband and baby behind got me all teary eyed... thanks for that one kayc...

6. If you could relive one moment in your life thus far, what would it be and why?

Well, it's not really one moment, but one experience. I have been trying to get into grad school for a couple years now, however my GPA is holding me back. when i dropped out of BYU and went on my mission i had a 2.4... and my GPA for the last semester before i dropped out was a 0.86! not a great GPA for someone with a 4.0 coming out of high school and an academic scholarship (that was promptly lost). being on my own was tough and i partied a little too hard and didn't go to class. in my defense, that last semester before i dropped out was when i was formally diagnosed with depression and anxiety. my professors were not very forgiving and i received F's. when i came back from my mission i had to meet with an academic counselor and make certain goals for graduation. my goal was that i wanted to graduate with a 3.0 and get as many A's as possible. I succeeded! I graduated with a 3.01, my GPA never dipped below a 3.4 my last five semesters, and my major GPA was a 3.8. I did all of this while working full time as a manager at a restaurant. I worked my butt off. However, this has not been enough to get me into grad school. It's a little disappointing that they don't really look at the whole person to be quite honest. I don't have ANY extracurriculars because I was working full time to pay my bills. The GPA that the admissions council sees is a 2.9 because they have to factor that 0.86 in to get me a 6 semester average. While I would rather have them look at me as a person rather than a number, I understand why they have to look at that number. I also understand that it is my own irresponsibility and immaturity that it why I have to be associated with that number. That number doesn't show my potential at all. I am one smart cookie, so if i had a do-over I would go back and get good grades. my life may have turned out differently though, so that's the only thing i would change... just my effort in earning higher grades.

7. If you could meet anybody that has already passed on, who would it be?

I have a couple. I have always admired Abraham Lincoln. He is obviously my favorite president because we share the same birthday, but i also love that he was the president during the civil war and who wrote the emancipation proclamation. he is very inspiring to me. another would be Gandhi. he just blows me away with his conviction and selflessness. i wish i could be more like that.

8. What animal best describes you and why?

I was having a hard time with this one so I asked some friends. The consensus is that if I were an animal it would be a bear. I am sweet, cute, and cuddly until someone messes with someone I love, and then the fierceness comes out. I like that. :)

9. If a genie popped up and granted you 3 wishes, what would they be?

1.10 million dollars - i would pay my tithing of course, get completely out of debt, get the rest of my family out of debt, buy an awesome house, two new cars, a new motorcycle for JJ, go on an awesome vacation, and then invest the rest and live modestly so that we never had to work again except for fun.

2.a super fit and trim body. i've realized recently that i really need to get into shape. Laela is getting more active and wants to do more things. I am by no means obese or anything, but i definitely have some extra lbs that i need to get rid of. i know that i can do it, it's just going to take some hard work and dedication, but it definitely would be nice if someone could wave a magic wand and i could just get to the maintaining phase instead of having to work to get there too.

3.gas prices back down around $2 a gallon. it's killin me right now!

10. If you could have done one thing differently in your life so far, what would it be? Or do you not have any regrets and why is that?

well i already answered this question above with wanting to go back and get better grades in college. however, i do not have any regrets. President James E Faust of the First Presidency (LDS church) once said we should never have regrets, and i agree. while i wish i hadn't made some of the mistakes i did, and while i wish i didn't have this rebellious personality that always chooses the hard road to learn lessons, i am a better, stronger person because of those mistakes and lessons learned. my life is amazing and i wouldn't have it any other way.

11. If you could be the star in a movie that has already been made, which one would it be and why?

either Emma (staring Gwyneth Paltrow) or Pride and Prejudice (staring Kiera Knightly). I just love those books, and that time period, and the dresses... I just think it would be fun. :)

Here is who I tag:

Kendra Wright

Deveney Jensen

Desiree Syme

Kaela Wheeler

Maille Yarwood

Nicole Raber

Jenny Nelson

Julie Allen

Joshua Ross Blade

Here are your questions:

1) How has your life turned out differently than you imagined it when you were younger, and how do you feel about the differences? Are you happy with them?

2) What is your favorite sound and why?

3) If you could choose to stay a certain age forever, what age would it be and why?

4) If you could witness any event: past, present, or future, what would it be and why?

5) If you could learn to do anything, what would it be?

6) What would you name your autobiography? What's the story behind the title?

7) Have you ever had something happen to you that you thought was bad in the moment, but turned out to be for the best?

8) What do you miss most about being a kid?

9) What story does your family always tell about you?

10) How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

11) If you could offer a newborn child one piece of advice, what would it be and why?

can't wait to read your answers!!

it's been awhile...

goodness gracious it's been a long time since i blogged... since November 11, 2011 to be exact. i didn't even finish my 30 days of gratitude for November. when i realize just how long it's been since i posted pictures of Laela, or printed pictures of Laela to send to the grandparents, or updated the blog, it makes me really hate being a working mom. i am so lucky to only have to work 6 hours a day and still qualify for full benefits, but i ALWAYS bring work home with me... such is the life of a teacher. i always have lessons to plans, notes or homework to create, quizzes to grade, and emails to write. i do love the perks of being a teacher though. i love that i am only gone during school hours... and really only 7:30-2 pm since i'm 3/4 time. i love that i have weekends, holidays, and summers off. i love that JJ has the flexibility to stay with her three days a week, and that one of my best friends watches her (watches her = outside time, snack time, parachute time, books, music and dancing, learning new signs every day, and lots and lots of love) the other two days.

all that being said, if i had a choice, of course i would be home. i'm just always so tired. between my needy baby and my needy students and parents i'm always exhausted and cranky. i also feel badly because Laela usually gets the brunt of that frustration and exhaustion. when i should be taking pictures, teaching her colors, going to the park, writing letters or catching up on my blog, i'm usually in a fog of exhaustion and all i want to do is park my butt on the couch and watch tv or just take a darn nap! i know it's all about prioritization and hopefully i will be able to do better with that and make sure that Lae is getting the best of me and not the worst.

anyways, let's see what's been going on lately.... oh yeah, my girl turned 1!! i'll do a special post just for that a little later on. she had her 12 month appointment (a few weeks late cause mommy spaced it) and the doctor was just amazed... as usual. :) she was 24 lbs, 30.5 inches long, and i forget her head... let's just say it's still big. :) he couldn't believe how advanced she was in both her fine and gross motor skills, and he was blown away by how much she signs. she doesn't say much, which worried me for a little bit (and still worries me if i'm being totally honest) but Dr. Steve told me not to. He said that by 15 months they like to see 5 words... including mama and dada. he even said that the other words can be as simple as hi, bye, uh oh, or no. she already says dada, mama, and night-night. she also says Jenny (my friend who watches her), and "tah" (Jenny's sister), but that's about it. She babbles all the time though so even though i wish she would say more, i'm not super worried. i think she's going to just be one of those kids that just walks up to me one day and says a complete sentence. :)

JJ is doing well. He is still figure skating director at the ice rink here. He has a couple skaters that show a lot of promise and we just love their families.

even though i complain about my job, it really is great. i love the kids, and i love the people i work with. they really make it worthwhile to go to work every day. it's a great job and i feel very blessed to have it and the opportunities that come along with it.

so that's what's happening in our neck of the woods... i will definitely try to do better about keeping up with things. until next time, here is a little nugget for your viewing pleasure. :)