realizations

so i try to put on a good face, keep a stiff upper lip, suck it up, deal with it, etc... but sometimes i just get sad. today was one of those days. it finally hit me that i'm not going home for christmas. my sisters are both home... and i'm sad. i'm sad that this will be the first time (aside from my mission) that i will not be with my family for christmas. i have my husband, which is fantastic, but just not the same as being surrounded by loved ones. there is nothing like being with my family on christmas eve... we usually go look at lights, sometimes we go to a christmas mass, then we go home. all the lights get turned off except for the christmas tree, everyone gathers around said tree, and mom and dad read luke 2 and then the night before christmas. (after that is usually when all hell breaks loose with me doing the ebonics night before christmas, and then usually some fights about whether or not we are allowed to open one present... which us children usually win) another thing i will miss is the singing. we will usually gather around the piano and sing our favorites... sleep little lamb, i wonder as i wander, the shepherd song, and many others... my life is sadly devoid of all things musical right now. :(

i have a couple things to look forward to... and hopefully i can focus on those.

1) i get to cook again! i'm excited to try this holiday feast again! i haven't decided if we are going to do turkey again, ham, or beef. i am leaning towards beef because i like turkey on thanksgiving, ham on easter, and who says you can't have beef on christmas? maybe i'll start a new tradition. :)

2) miles and kendra are coming down! miles is from just down the road from us and they are coming down for the holidays. miles and kendra are two of my very best and most favoritest friends! (ask julie and kaycie... they are totally the favorites)

3) i get to spend the day with my hubby and kitty (even though they hate each other... i take that back. jj hates wicked, but wicked still loves him)

4) i get to be on speaker phone with my family as my parents read us our favorite christmas stories.

it will be great!

cuteness

so there is one thing i really like about my new job... the cute customers! we aren't very busy right now before the merger, so we really get to know our customers. there are a few arizona cardinals that come in from time to time, which we LOVE, and there are our regulars. the last two days we have had about three people a day come in to just make a deposit and chat because they "love how we know everyone's name." it's pretty darn fun. anyways, today was especially cool because one of our cute regulars came in. she is this cute little grandma who just LOVES christmas. she chatted with me for about fifteen minutes after i cashed her checks, and somewhere in there it came out that i had just gotten married and that we bought our first tree. i was talking about how my mom won't give me my christmas ornaments... i take that back... mom is going to give me some of my ornaments and i'm really excited about it... but anyways, i told her how mom didn't really want to give them up. this lady left and about ten minutes later walked back in... with an ornament for me! she also gave me christmas salt and pepper shakers! HOW CUTE IS THAT?!?!?! so now i have an ornament besides those store bought ones we put on it. i LOVE it! :)

new things...

hellooooooooooooo! so it's been awhile since i have written, because... well to be honest, nothing really has been going on. i started my new job at the bank and i have come to the conclusion that corporate america is NOT for me... 9-5... are you kidding me?! as much as i hated getting up at 5 in the morning, i actually miss teaching... i miss the kids, the holidays, and the schedule. i am excited to get my teaching certificate so i can hopefully get a job next year. the bank is fine for now, but definitely not a career change for me. :)

however... here is some news for you... JJ and i are toying with all the options we have open to us. i know my hubby would love to stay in AZ for a few more years, but i have had enough. i am done with the dust in the air that makes me have constant allergies, i am done with the endless sunshine. :) i will grin and bear it for as long as i have to, but hopefully that won't be for too long. as i have realized once and for all that teaching is what i would like to do, i have decided that i REALLY want to go back to school... and where else would i go but BYU?! so we have decided that i will apply for grad school and "see what happens." who knows where we could be next year??? maybe utah, maybe florida (to take care of the grands), and maybe here still... which i will be fine with. :)

so that's about all the updates i have for now... oh except this little tidbit that i will leave you to chew on...

we are trying.... :)

faker!

so this morning i totally faked sick so i didn't have to go to the gym! now... faking is kind of relative because i genuinely did not feel well. i had a stuffy nose, my chest was all gunky, and my throat hurt (though that might have been because i was thirsty)...

but come on!

we didn't go to bed until after midnight, and jj wanted to get up at 6 am... yes 6 am... to go to the gym before work

here is my reasoning... a) we needed more sleep, b) we have two hours from when he comes home from the bank to when he goes to the ice rink and we can go then, and c) i HATE... LOATHE getting up early when it's still dark outside.

he was so sweet too! he got me a cough drop, made sure i had water, felt my head every twenty minutes to see if i had a fever, and he curled around me as we slumbered to make sure i was warm. my husband is amazing! once it was 7:30 (and light outside) instead of 6:00 i "felt a little better." so, to repay his amazingness i made him a scrumptious breakfast to start the day right. i cooked him up some eggs and bacon with a piece of toast with butter and honey (just like he likes it).

i feel a little shameful (but much more rested and content)... yes, i did not feel well, but not quite as sick as i made myself out to be... and the ONLY reason i confess this is because he doesn't read my blog...

let's hope he doesn't start today! :)

friends... epiphanies... and other random musings

Epicurus, a Greek philosopher once said, "It is not so much our friends' help that helps us as the confident knowledge that they will help us."

thank you for your kind words and advice. you are my true friends... i have come to see that certain friendships will have to be left behind as i start this new chapter in my life, which is a bit sad, but exciting as i think of the new ones that have been formed and that will be formed. i think... no let me rephrase that... i KNOW that everything is going to be just fine.

this past week was a tough one. jj and i were fighting like cats and dogs, i have been a lazy bum not working, out of nowhere this business opportunity came up, and i jumped at it. however, this business opportunity was offered by someone that i used to be "involved" with. me being the selfish person that i am, was completely insensitive to jj's feelings and wanted to pursue this offer, because to be honest, it's great! they flew us up to utah, took great care of us, and the company is AMAZING! i would love to be a part of it, but once my husband left to come back to arizona, i realized where my real opportunity was... with him.

for the next few days i did a lot of soul searching, talked a lot to a much wiser older sister, remembered the counsel of my parents, and realized just how fiercely i loved and missed my husband. though i complain about Arizona, i could not wait to get back here to him. i realized that it absolutely did not matter where we lived or what we did... i only wanted to be with him... work with him... struggle with him.

today after he picked me up from the airport he was holding me in his arms and i just started to cry because of the immense and intense love that i felt for him. we then had one of the most beautiful conversations of our courtship and marriage. we realized that we had both been holding a piece of our heart captive and away from the other... for different reasons, but for the same purpose of somehow protecting ourselves. we have never been in a relationship like this with someone we love so much, who can hurt us the most, and neither of us are sure exactly what to do. it's all a matter of trial and error, and how blessed i am to experience this with him. we let down the walls we have been holding on to, and i am excited... excited to have all of his heart and excited to give all of mine to him.

*sigh*

i love being married :)

love...

so those who know me, know that i have a very BIG heart... VERY big...

i feel love for just about everyone and everything (especially furry things) around me...

however, i have come to the very hard conclusion that THAT love doesn't transfer itself to me...

i have realized that i push those who mean the most to me away, because i expect them to wake up and leave me someday anyways... that way, when they leave it was because i wanted them to (hence the pushing away)

cool defense mechanism right?

WRONG

so very wrong

so as i embark on this new journey in my life... new marriage, new state, new job, new friends... i am also embarking on project "love karly"

i would say that the majority of my self-loathing comes from being overweight and spending too much money on things i don't need (like mcdonalds... it's too much money and it makes me fat... two birds with one stone!)

now, i am not telling you this because i need lots of compliments and pep-talks, i am telling you this because the people who actually read this are people that love me and are people i can divulge my innermost turmoils to without judgement. so, i don't need you to pat me on the back, but i would love comments that give me advice on how to start this project... how did you come to love yourself for you... because i need some help, and i can't afford a shrink!

hahaha! :)

LAZINESS

hey y'all. this week has been one full of lazy days in sweatpants, and i have LOVED every second of it! :) krista actually had to get very firm with me last night telling me to get out of my sweatpants and get to church! :) it was nice to get dressed... i even put on some heels!

anyways, today is my three month anniversary and i can't believe it! it seems like forever, but at the same time it feels like yesterday. we have little squabbles every few days (today was not immune either) but we generally get over things pretty quickly (at least i do), and we go on with our lives. we have had A LOT of time together this week, and it's been fun. i do look forward to getting back to work though and not feeling completely useless.

anyways, that's been my week. some tv, a new book, the gym just about every day, and lots of time with the hubby. love it :)

moving on...

well, it's been awhile and i just wanted to write a little update to let you know what's going on in my life.

i quit my job...

i realized that i had to do what was best for everyone. i absolutely did not want to be at work every day, which was detrimental to myself and the students. to be a teacher you need to be ON 100% of the time, and i was unable to do that. these students are especially needy, and i just didn't have enough of me to go around. i will certainly miss some of them, but overall i am very happy with my decision.

so what will i do now?

i got a job as a full time/bilingual teller for wachovia. there is lots of opportunity for advancement in the banking industry, and i am excited for the new challenge. i am definitely going to keep working on my certification for teaching out here, and hopefully i will be able to get a job next school year either in gilbert or chandler. we shall see. i am just taking one day at a time.

just breathe

it's been a tough couple weeks... allow me to share why...

jessica - she was one tough cookie to crack. her brother is a drug dealer, and i don't even want to think about all the things she sees and is involved in. she glared at me for 70 minutes every day while in class, and then whenever she saw me outside of class. she was rude, antagonistic, and just plain mean sometimes. however, last week she came into class with a red nose and red eyes. i thought she wasn't feeling well so i just left her alone. ten minutes later i look back at her and there are tears streaming down her face. i take her outside where she immediately buries her face in my chest and starts sobbing. she then informs me she is pregnant... by a boy in our school who also got another of my students pregnant three months ago... he is 19, jessica is 15. she told me she was going to get an abortion and for the first time in my life i was actually ok with that. i do not want that poor baby to be carried in her drug and alcohol infested body, and i certainly do not want it to be raised the way she was. she has since stopped glaring. by no means are we best friends, but she smiles when she sees me. she has recently decided that she isn't getting an abortion, and she jumped a girl last week... while carrying a baby.

ashley - our 20 year old crack whore... no really, it's true. we know she's a prostitute, and that she is a user... did i tell you she was pregnant? well, she was doing really great for a couple weeks, coming to class, we could tell she was clean... she disappeared. i haven't seen her for ten days.

maricela - immigration surrounded her house monday morning as everyone was getting ready for school and work. they took every illegal adult in her house into custody. that left her, a 15 year old, in charge of her little brothers. they are all being deported this week.

1st period Spanish 3 class - tells me all the time about the life they have to live... about the shootings, about their brothers who are gangsters getting shot in the face in drive bys, about the gas station where one of them works getting robbed by nine year olds sent in by their older siblings... what happened to being a child?

there are some bright spots however in this...

isaac - he lives on 67th avenue... that's 74 blocks away from school, but he is determined to finish this year (he's 19), and this is the longest he has ever stayed in school in about three years. the other day one of the administrators was being particularly rude to him, and he didn't say anything back. he stood there and took it. i was proud of him, and i told him.

khadijah - oh this child. two weeks ago i wanted to tell her to stop coming to school. that she was a waste of space and time, but recently she has rededicated herself to getting good grades. she has actually started paying attention and doing her work. hopefully she will keep it up.

johnell and damien - these boys are my favorite part of the day. they provide my comic relief. johnell is probably one of the smartest kids we have in school. he is about to turn 19, and got mixed up in some stuff at his last school, which got him kicked out. he has since turned his life around and is really trying to do things right. he came to our school to be there for his cousin, damien. damien got his ankle monitor off last week and we are going to make sure it stays off this time. johnell is a great example to him, and damien has totally made a turn for the better. he still has some trouble with respecting authority, but he is ten times better than he used to be. my room is their hang out, and i'm glad. i miss my kids from last year, and they are the closest thing to reminding me of them.

one of my favorite movies is Ever After... and the reason for it being my favorite movie is one simple line... "just breathe."

i just finished the third season of Grey's Anatomy and this song was the season closer... i love it... when life gets you down, just keep breathing...

Mawwige

please tell me you all know to what movie i am referencing when i say marriage with such an amusing speech impediment. :) it has been a tough weekend to say the least. i was out to nachos with the girls from work on Friday afternoon after work, and it was a very interesting conversation we had at the table. three of us are newlyweds of 6 months, 2 months, and 1 month. let's just say that i'm glad for the sake of those around us that the music was very loud! :) anyways, Joy, newlywed of 6 months was telling us of her snotty students informing her that they knew she was only there teaching for the money... oh because they pay us teachers SO very much money! and she informed them that she was there because she loved teaching. one of her particularly snotty students then asked, "really miss? you wake up every day excited to come teach us?" to which Joy replied, "it's a little like marriage. i am married to a man who i love more than anything in the world, but i don't wake up every morning and think, 'GOSH i'm glad i married him.' There are good days and bad days." So, we talked about that for a little while. i LOVE being married... i love to see his face when i come out of the closet wearing a particularly cute outfit... i love that he kisses me every morning despite my wicked morning breath... i love that i come home in the afternoon to a clean apartment... i love that he actually DOES wake up every morning happy to be married to me (even when i'm a psycho!)... but sometimes it's so stinkin hard!

why does marriage have to be so hard sometimes???

sometimes i miss the independence and freedom of the single life, but then he walks through the door with a huge smile on his face just because he sees me, and i remember what this is all about. i remember that it's hard because nothing worth it comes easy... it's hard because we are two headstrong adults full of pride... it's hard because we make it that way... it's hard because we are selfish (we meaning the human race... not ME of course! haha) it is when we forget ourselves and put the other first that marriage is beautiful.

someone once said,

"Marriage is the glue that holds us together as we fall in and out of love."

I like that...

mywedding.com/johnathanandkarlybarksdale

since they will soon shut out wedding website down i decided to pull the stories off and share them here. my next blog will be about the wedding, since i haven't done that yet. :) i know, i know, i'm getting there.

Our Story

Johnathan and Karly... love at first click...

Karly's side :)

Yep, it's true... internet dating actually works sometimes! :) JJ and I were both registered on a dating website (whose site shall remain nameless since they aren't paying royalties.. haha), he took one look at me and couldn't resist! He sent me an email sometime in May 2008. He made some weird captain joke (since that's what I do in the summer) so I thought he was a little weird, but hey... a good lookin guy like that... i was still interested. We kept in touch a little bit over the summer, exchanging a few emails here and there. We were both a little preoccupied... I was moving to Texas, he was moving to Arizona... so nothing really happened then. Once we were both settled in our respective new homes, I remembered that we had left things pretty unfinished, so I sent him a little note just to say hi... which he ignored! Can you believe it??? A week went by, and I decided to send one last note... to which he responded. :) He asked for my phone number... again... he had "lost" it... likely story right? ;) Anyways, he called me that night around 11 pm, and we ended up talking until around 4 in the morning... remember how Karly has a big girl job now and had to be at work at 8? Needless to say I was super tired, but glowing. Everyone at work commented on how happy I looked. I told them about this new guy... this tall, good looking, mormon, black, straight ice skating coach... they didn't believe me on the details first! We texted all day, and started talking on the phone two or three times a day. We talked about everything... everything! I knew within the first three weeks that I was falling in love with him and that this was the man I wanted to spend eternity with.

We decided to meet in person up in Utah... neutral ground. I was sure things would go great, but just in case, we both needed an exit strategy. It was really funny because a couple weeks before we were going to Utah, I was totally looking online at engagement rings... of course I didn't tell this to JJ though, I mean I didn't want to freak the boy out! The very next day he called me and told me he had a confession to make... he had been looking at rings online! I started laughing and confessed, and thus commenced the engagement ring search. Now I know what you are all thinking... that it was before we had even met, but I think I can speak for both of us when I say that meeting in person was just the last piece of the puzzle. We already had fallen in love mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, and with Facebook JJ had seen me at my best and worst (aka mission pics! haha). I got to Utah the day before him and painstakingly picked out a new outfit (with the help of a good friend... you know who you are) to dazzle JJ. I was so nervous, but the outfit must have worked because as soon as he saw me, his face broke into a huge smile, he walked right over, and without any hesitation, pulled me into his arms. He hugged me for a minute and then kissed me... that's another long story, but we will keep that one to ourselves. :)

That was it... I was hooked! We started planning the wedding that weekend! I even found a dress! My parents were a little skeptical, but he had passed the sister and best friend test that weekend we were in Utah. I promised we would take things slow and be very careful, which we have. We even moved the wedding back a couple months so we would have a little bit more time. I am the happiest girl around. I had always heard that "when you know, you know," but I never thought it was true... but I was wrong... so very wrong. I knew that this man would love and cherish me forever. He treats me with a respect I never knew was possible... I mean I saw it in other people's relationships, but I always picked real winners that made me feel less than. Not with JJ! His favorite activity is making me blush with the nice things he says, and I know that this is only the beginning of a wonderful, amazing life together. :)

Johnathan's take on things

Karly is right...internet did play a very important role in helping us find each other!!! Thanks goodness for the internet and technology....haha:) I was willing to search any and everywhere for that special woman to share my life with! When I initially met Karly online I had no idea how much this amazing woman had to offer!
I planned to move to AZ at the end of the summer (2008) and pursue my coaching career. I bought a motorcycle for the trip and had plans to visit Karly and other friends if time permitted while on my journey. Being that I was short on time I didn't even have time to call to say hello.
Ok, once in AZ, Karly & I reconnected. The first time Karly sent me a message, I didn't reply. You know how it is when you move to a new city always working and trying to get your business up and running! That was me, working 2 jobs and not really making time for anyone. Karly contacted me again and from the moment I replied there was something about her voice, her essence, her sense of purpose in life that I identified with. Let's just say we seem to always take the road less traveled...we like to do what we like when we like...haha. We talked and texted a lot until the time we first met in Utah. I grew more and more curious about this woman that I had gotten to know though our phone conversations and text messages. Nov. 22, 2008, I'll never forget!! That is the day it all became a reality!! The moment I saw her big beautiful smile I wanted to sweep this southern bell off her feet!! I knew that I would do anything to let her know how much I thought of her!! I felt like the luckiest guy in the airport that day!!
Once we met we were off on our first date!! I bet you want details, eh? :) I'll just say this...every guy should hope to have the kind of first date I had...haha! We started it off with two must haves for any guy…football and italian food! Karly did her homework on me and I knew I had better have my act together. We went sightseeing, dancing, to church, you name it we did it!! I had never before shared so much of my life with someone in less than 24hrs and had so much fun doing it. This is the definition of speed dating! ☺ As our first weekend together started to wind down I realized that I could never get enough of Karly and her lovely personality! And yes in case you were wondering…her body in one word...HOT!! I wanted to see her again as soon as possible!!
We were on the same page as to take things slowly, but there was a lot of excitement between us. We knew that we did not want to take more time than was reasonable to take our relationship to the next level. This meant me asking her parents first for her hand in marriage. Call me old, but that is how I was raised and Karly is so special to me that I would do it old school just to make her happy! Oh yeah, gotta have a ring! This is another long story that you'll have to ask Karly about:) I'm sure she'll tell you all about it!!!
Meeting Karly was the last piece to the puzzle or should I say the start of something really special that we all dream about. I never could have planned for or lives to come together this way, but the Lord always has a hand in all the miracles we receive! Karly is so right when she says "I will cherish and love her forever". My grandparents had 59 yrs of bliss and that is what I intend to give Karly! I'm so thankful for our families and friends in our lives that have helped us define who we are and were with us through our struggles and our achievements! I want you all to know because of you and your love for our well being we will forever love you! I love my angel, better known as Karly, I'm so blessed to have her in my life! Sweetie, I love you! And I can't wait to marry you!

Wedding Party

Krista Maurer

Maid of Honor

Krista and I are 23 months apart... not 24... so I have always been trying to catch up. Between February 12 and March 4 I was only one year younger instead of two! It was always a great three weeks. Krista has been one of my greatest examples. She was the oldest, thus making her mama bear #2. She paved the way for her sisters... and boy was it an uphill climb! :) She set that bar so high, and sometimes I didn't want to try. When I switched schools I thought I had a chance at my own identity... I wouldn't be "Krista's sister" anymore... then Krista switched schools too! We were "the Maurer girls." She graduated from BYU, she went on a mission, she started her career... all things I have done also, and I hope I did them half as well as she did. One day she told me something that totally changed the way I felt about our relationship. She told me I was her hero... she said that no matter how far I sink into that hole I have dug for myself (I have a hard time with wanting to learn lessons the hard way), that I never stop fighting to get out... I am always clawing my way to the surface... I am a survivor. Now one of the sweetest things I can hear is "Oh, you're Krista's sister," and I love it! One of the greatest lessons that Krista has taught me is to be independent... to forge my own identity... and I have... though I will never stop being "a Maurer girl," because that is my favorite identity of all.

Kaycie Maurer

Maid of Honor

Kaycie was, as I used to call her, our accident. I mean honestly, for six years we had this little family made up of Daddy, Momma, Krista, and myself. It was perfect... or so I thought, because when this new little creature came along six years later I wanted nothing to do with her. The thing I remember most about the day she was born is that someone curled my hair and I HATED it! I was sitting in the little kitchen area of my kindergarten class crying about it when Krista ran in and told me we had a new baby sister... I think it made me cry harder. For six years I had been the baby, and I just knew I would be forgotten. The day she came home from the hospital I refused to go with dad and Krista to get her, because I just HAD to go roller-skating with my friends. She was a cute baby, and I think I even liked her for a while... but then she started to grow up, and boy was I cruel to her. I hit her, I made fun of her, I don't think there was a day that went by without me telling her that I hated her. There were moments of kindness... mostly when I wanted something from her or wanted to play with her toys... hence being caught on video saying, "Kaycie, I'm having a tea party without you!" However, just as most things fade with time, so did those feelings of hatred. Kaycie helped me get my life back on track... she saved me from myself... she completes all of us. I didn't know it as a child, but I can speak for all of us when I say that our little family wasn't perfect before she came along... we were missing something, and Kaycie was that missing link. Kaycie keeps me grounded. She is very rational (which I am not) and always helps me see both sides of the coin. I know that I am the big sister, but I look up to her, and always follow HER example. She is, and always will be, our Kaycie-baby.

Jeremy Barksdale

Best Man

From the beginning when "Jer" was born it has always been a surprise as to whether we were going to get along...haha. I was the only child for six years and let me tell you I had no idea what it meant to have a brother, nor did I know how different our experiences in life would be! Jer is very smart and he excels at almost everything - except ice skating which he briefly tried and decided that it was not for him.

Growing up, we were in different worlds, which made it hard for our mom since we usually didn't play well together. But, when Jeremy graduated from high school, I'll never forget how happy our mother was and how proud of him I was also! That summer Jeremy came out to Cali where he was to relax before heading to college at NC A&T to receive his BA in Broadcast Production. We took a trip to Las Vegas and played hard for a few days! Having a younger brother became really fun! All those previous years when we argued seemed to disappear. Upon my return home from Cali, Jer and I lived together again and we had our ups and downs. I remember one night Jeremy went outside and turned off the power because I had the music playing too loud when he was trying to study! Jer went on to graduate with honors and returned to school to pursue his masters degree!! He is currently working toward his PhD at Virgina Tech.

My brother has been a blessing in my life even though we lived apart the majority of time. I'm so grateful for his example and couldn't imagine my life without him!!

Josh Blade

Groomsman

So I totally thought I was going to have to pull a "Made of Honor" and make Josh one of my attendants, but my fabulous fiancé said he could be a groomsman. Josh and I have been best friends now for almost ten years. We met freshman year at BYU because he was in my ward... even though he wasn't a member of the church yet. We hung out all the time, and kept in touch through our tough times when I was on one side of the country and he was on the other. He joined the church, I went on my mission, and when I came back we were closer than ever. We even lived across the parking lot from eachother so we wouldn't have to go very far to hang out that first year. I have even broken up with a boyfriend for my friendship with Josh. Sorry buddy, but if you ask me to choose between my boyfriend of two months, and my best friend of 10 years... did you honestly think I would choose you? :) So when JJ expressed an interest in getting to know Josh and being friends with him too, I knew he was the man for me! Josh has taught me a lot of things, but one that sticks with me the most is to feel good about myself. He would always get upset with me when I put myself down, and if a boy ever treated me with less respect than he thought I deserved, he made sure to tell me to get out of that relationship. It's been a decade of ups and downs, but one thing that has remained constant is knowing that I always had a best friend in Josh.

morning cuddles

so, it never fails... sometime between 3:20 and 5:06 am, my body wakes up and is ready to take on the world. never mind that i went to bed at 10:30 and i really need at least 7 hours of sleep (which i'm only gettin 6 and a half of anyways cause i have to be up by 5) if i want to ensure the survival of myself and all the children that day. (every day is a success that you don't physically harm one of the delinquents) for the life of me i could not figure out why i was waking up. i am one of those people who sleeps very soundly, and can sleep through the entire night. i am not prone to waking up to go to the bathroom, i don't toss and turn, and i have certainly never had this HORRIBLE problem before. this is what i found out...

my husband NEVER sleeps through the night, is always up sometime between 3:20 and 5:06 to use the bathroom, and thinks its a really good idea when he gets back in bed to touch me. sometimes he just rubs my back, sometimes he scoots over to cuddle, and sometimes he just reaches over to push my hair back. tender right? WRONG! what were the first words out of my mouth when i made this discovery? "babe, don't touch me"... not the words a newlywed husband of a month likes to hear out of his new wife's mouth... but seriously! like i said, i am a pretty sound sleeper, but the moment someone touches me, it's over. i could be seriously asleep, and you could call my name over and over without a response, but you so much as lay a finger on me and i'll lay you out... speaking of, i'm surprised he hasn't gotten an unconscious elbow to the face yet. :)

now, what i have since learned is that while that was a contributing factor, him touching me and all, it wasn't everything. in the seven weeks i have been married, i have slept all the way through one, count them, ONE night... meaning i went to sleep and didn't wake up until my alarm... well i guess technically that's a little fib because my alarm goes off at 5:13 and i woke up at 5:06... but still, i made it past 5 AM! for me, that's a bit disconcerting. why you ask? BECAUSE I LOVE TO SLEEP! i probably love to sleep more than anything else in the whole world.... yes ANYTHING! i love to stay up late and sleep late... a habit now ruined by having to be a responsible adult... stupid growing up.

anyways, why am i dedicating a whole blog to this? well, first off because i am not as creative as krista who finds amazingly epiphanical (is that a word? i don't think so because my trusty mac is telling me it's not, so i made a new word... epiphanical: adj., having the characteristics of an epiphany) lessons from life and her garden. second off because i love sleep so much so i had to share that it's being interrupted by a well meaning husband and the stresses of life. third... because i have decided to roll with it...

this morning i didn't have to be up until 7:10 (because church starts at 8.... yeah, i know), but i woke up at 5:20. JJ says this morning it was his fault because he wanted to cuddle...

SELFISH! :)

i tried to climb back in bed after a quick trip to the bathroom (i drank a lot of diet coke and water last night) and to feed my hungry cat who immediately began yelling at me when i opened the door... she was telling me she couldn't believe how often i forget to feed her. but, i couldn't go back to sleep. i peeked out the window and saw what a beautiful sunrise we were having this morning, so i got back out of bed, grabbed my trusty mac (who might have a cold and need to go to the computer doctor), and went out onto the balcony. so now it's me, mac, my rocking chair, and wicked out here enjoying a beautiful sunrise and a welcome cool breeze... maybe fall is here? nope, it's supposed to be over 100 degrees all week.

i digress...

now, i am not telling you that i am going to embrace every morning with a positive attitude... we all know what a stretch that would be. :) but, i hope that eventually as i settle in to my new life, that i might look at the morning as the new day that it is, not looking forward or backward, but diving in to live that new day to its fullest. President Monson once said that if we are constantly looking forward and not living today, that eventually we will end up with a lot of empty yesterdays. that is my problem right now.

i want a baby, i want to be financially secure, i want to be back in south carolina, i want to be a stay at home mom... but that is all coming... tomorrow. while i have the chance, i need to

live today.

this was the beautiful sunrise this morning. i kinda like facing east.

wicked contemplating just how far down that next ledge is and if she can make it. i'm kinda glad we are on the third floor, cause she would totally jump off the second to make her great escape!

New life = New blog

so I have decided that with my new life... new husband (not that i had an old one), new job, new home, new EVERYTHING... that I wanted to start a new blog. "Locura" defined me for a long time, but I am slowly but surely settling down. (don't ask my family about my new tattoo :) ) so, i guess what i'm saying is that it's time to leave "locura" where it belongs... in the past.

i don't have a lot of time right now to catch up completely, but i am now residing in Gilbert, AZ. i say residing, and not living, because i have no intention of staying here for an extended period of time. a year or two at the most. i was kind of excited to come back to a dry climate, but then i got out here and realized just how dusty it is... not good for the lungs ya know? JJ really likes it out here though, and so i am just going to grin and bear it for the time being.

married life is great... definitely has its ups and downs, but the ups far outweigh the downs. the greatest thing? getting to wake up next to someone who doesn't mind giving you a morning kiss even when you have some pretty wicked morning breath! :) another great thing? seeing his smile when he walks through the door and sees me. i'm sure there will be some great stories for the blog.

the new job? well that's an interesting question. arizona is a bit more strict with hiring teachers... you have to be certified unless you work at a charter school... so i'm working at a charter school, waiting for my certificate so i can get a job closer to home. p.s. NEVER living in a big city again. that whole rush hour traffic has taken on new meaning for me out here. rush hour you ask? well it's actually rush THREE hours. if i'm not out the door by 6am (those of you who know me... well, all four of you who actually read this... know I am NOT a morning person) it takes an hour to go the distance that would normally take 20 minutes. i am teaching Spanish at a small alternative charter school in inner city Phoenix. my students are in gangs, recreationally use drugs every day, have 1-3 kids at 16 or 17 years old, and there are a couple girls known to "work" on 18th street... and yes, I mean "work." my students are anywhere from 14 years old to 21 years old, and they are all trying desperately trying to survive the streets and make something better of themselves... well maybe not all of them. the ones that are, however, are the ones that make the hour drive worth it. then there are the ones that break your heart. there is this one girl that's 20, and a crack whore... yeah, a real one. two weeks ago she came to school with two black eyes... oh, did i mention she was about five months preggers? apparently door knobs can give you two black eyes at the same time when you fall into them. anyways, last week she came to school with clear eyes, and a much better attitude. she was working so hard on her Spanish and was actually getting an A in the class. She got a 100% on her last test! I am so proud of her, but she disappeared on Wednesday and we haven't seen her since. I hope she's ok, and I hope she comes back, because she has so much potential.

did i mention that i made a great friend at work? she's GREAT! her name is Rachel and she is one of the history teachers. she is a member of the church, and she is HILARIOUS. we carpool just about every day now because it's nice to have the company, and it's nice to have someone to talk to about your day who really understands. she is in the trenches with me. i say, "do you have 'so and so,'" and she just says, "oooooh." no explanation necessary. :) it's awesome. there are a few other teachers, and office staff, that we are good friends with. we have happy hour every once in awhile. well, Rachel and i get waters and nachos, and the others have happy hour, but it's still nice to have the socialization.

anyways, i'm over and out for now. so here is to my dirty laundry... hope you have fun reading!

one week = wife (July 16, 2009)

So, I have been out of commission for awhile because I have been working 80

count them, 80 hours, a week.

I am in TEXAS this week for class. Other than wanting to tear my hair out from sitting through the most pointless and boring trainings of my life, it feels good to be in my cute house with my cute roommates.

In exactly one week from tonight I will be Mrs. Johnathan Barksdale. I cannot wait.

He is the love of my life and I can't wait to be with him FOREVER! :)

one of those uh-oh moments

so i just had to share this story. yesterday on the plane the FUNNIEST thing happened! i was in row 6 on the right side of the plane, and behind me was a mom with her adorable baby. the mom was a bit edgy, but i got to watch the baby sleep while the mom went to the restroom right before we took off. i am a little baby hungry right now, but that's neither here nor there. anyways, on the other side of the aisle in seats 7A and 7B are this brother and sister returning to their parents in phoenix, from who knows where. the brother was 11, the sister was i think around 9, and needless to say it was an interesting flight. at one point they were singing silly camp songs, which i'm sure the rest of the plane really appreciated, but for the most part they were just talking to each other and havin a good old time. when the baby started to wake up, the two kids struck up a conversation with the mom behind me by saying how cute the baby was, yada yada yada. and for the last 20 minutes of the flight they talked... loudly. and of course i was so amused that i eavesdropped the whole time... well i think the whole plane did, because i'm sure they could hear them. anyways, long story short, here are three of my favorite parts of this conversation.

random mom: hey do you know what this does? (it was a webkin) someone gave it to me for my daughter. (weird because the baby is like two months old max)
brother: oh yeah! (goes into a detailed explanation of what it is-->apparently an online pet that you take care of) you might want to save it for her when she's older because i think she might now understand (said in all seriousness about a two month old baby)
sister: i have 28 of them, i LOVE them!
brother: i used to like them, but now that i'm 11 i'm kinda over them... it's like a younger boy/girl thing.

next and MOST favorite part of the conversation
random mom: we are going out to phoenix so that (insert baby's name here) can meet her aunt pam and uncle allen.
sister: hey! we have an uncle allen!
brother: yeah but my parents are like hiding him right now because he should be in jail.
random mom: yeah you probably shouldn't tell people that

a little bit later...
brother: i got suspended from school once for cheating on a test
random mom: oh you shouldn't do that. you don't want to end up like your uncle allen.
brother: i hate my uncle allen. he has six kids and he tortured all of them.
random mom: yeah that's another thing you might not want to tell people.

pretty much the best plane ride of my life!

it feels good (May 8, 2009)

So, you know how people are jerks on the freeway sometimes... they speed past you... they cut you off... they zip in and out of the lanes... and you just think to yourself, "where are the cops when you need them?" well just that kind of thing happened the other day. I was merging onto the freeway in utah (where they will run you off the road instead of letting you merge anyways), and this little red honda fit zipped around me on the right side (between me and the concrete) and sped on their merry way. JJ and I both commented on how we wished a cop had been there right then.

AND THEN...

twenty minutes later, we pass that little red honda fit... why did we pass them?

THEY WERE PULLED OVER!

aaaahhhhh, that is what i call sweet vindication

sweet vindication (April 24, 2009)

So, you know how people are jerks on the freeway sometimes... they speed past you... they cut you off... they zip in and out of the lanes... and you just think to yourself, "where are the cops when you need them?" well just that kind of thing happened the other day. I was merging onto the freeway in utah (where they will run you off the road instead of letting you merge anyways), and this little red honda fit zipped around me on the right side (between me and the concrete) and sped on their merry way. JJ and I both commented on how we wished a cop had been there right then.

AND THEN...

twenty minutes later, we pass that little red honda fit... why did we pass them?

THEY WERE PULLED OVER!

aaaahhhhh, that is what i call sweet vindication

why i do what i do... (April 8, 2009)

So let me tell you a little bit about Keira... she is an adorable little girl in my first period class. She is hot and cold... some days she is just ON and gets it, does her work, gets really good grades, and then other days she puts her head down, won't talk to anyone, refuses to do her work, and gets bad grades. I thought she hated me the first week of school because I moved her away from her cousins because they were talking. One day when she was walking out of the classroom, I smiled at her and she smiled back. I grabbed her and planted a big fat kiss on her forehead and from then on she was mine. She comes and sees me during the day just to get hugs... it's so sad that these kids just don't really get that much affection at home. She's had some rough times lately but apparently I made it on "the list." She shared this with me today and it just about broke my heart... she is definitely one that I am going to miss next year...

i'm too old for this (April 4, 2009)

so my roommate and i were watching "how i met your mother" last week, and the whole premise was about how we hit a certain point in our lives and realize there are things we are too old to do. it was a dude's list, so there were things like getting your ear pierced, but even that has some relevance to us females... i mean really, there comes a point where one pair of earrings is all that is acceptable... and honestly, i have no desire to have any more holes in my body. It's funny though since at different points in my life i have had 6 holes in my ear, one in my belly button, and even one in my tongue. I still have a bit of a desire to get another tattoo (don't worry, it won't happen), but the desire is for one that can be hidden easily... this business of having your body tatted up for the world to see just doesn't appeal to me.

now, don't get me wrong... my kids keep me young and hip... i say things like, "sorry to put you on blast like that," "not too much on so and so," "that's throwed," and "that's ya bidness (business)." i bought some nike forces, i love hip hop music, and i know the names of all the popular dances right now... however, that doesn't mean that i still think that i'm 18.

i now need a full 8 hours of sleep... the friday afternoon let-down leaves me glued to the couch pretty much all evening... i have no desire to go clubbing... i am appalled by the lack of respect that my students show their elders... i hate the song "college" that's on the radio right now because of how inappropriate it is... let's face it, i'm just gettin old!

(please don't forget that i am going to the britney spears concert in nine days... that gives me some "young" points right?)

oh and p.s. we now have a home gym so i will actually start working out now... i got a wedding to get hot for!

love (March 15, 2009)

love is amazing, but it's not like i thought it would be... it's really not like the movies... it's not a fairy tale, it's real.

i love him more today than yesterday, and i will love him more tomorrow than today.

stupid pen (February 10, 2009)

So my heart is broken... into a million little pieces... and it all started with a pen...

Let me back up and tell you about Alvon... who is the most important person in my life (yes, besides all the obvious other important people). Alvon is 15 and a sophomore at Rudder High. He comes from a very difficult home life, no parent involvement in his academics, struggles with his grades, etc. Alvon was my best little buddy. I "adopted" him, and boy was I out to save the world. I talked with all his teachers, made sure he was passing, brought him McDonald's when he stayed late to make up a history test, went to all his basketball games... he was my baby... and the reason I came to College Station. That one little boy made all the shit (excuse my french) that I deal with on a daily basis worth it. He made it worth it to get out of bed in the morning, because I knew at least one of my students would be really happy to see me. He would come to my class in the morning, at lunch, after school, and whenever he could get a chance in between. I saw him change, I saw him start caring about school after a conversation we had about him going out to phoenix for college after he graduated in two years... I knew I was making a difference.

Last Wednesday everything changed. Another student picked Alvon's pen up off the floor where he had dropped it on accident, and proceeded to lend it to someone else. When Alvon saw that it was his pen, he said something about it, and a verbal altercation ensued. I did my best to avoid a bad situation, and it even escalated to where I had to kick the other kid out of class. I knew it was Alvon's pen, but I couldn't call the other kid a liar in front of everyone else, so I just took said pen, and gave everyone new pens... everyone's a winner right? WRONG! I have NO idea what happened, but somewhere along the way, Alvon got mad at me, and hasn't spoken to me except when absolutely necessary since. I have cried every single day, I have tried to talk to him, I got the other student changed to the other Spanish I class, I even tried to give him back his stupid pen, but everywhere is a dead end. I know he is hurting as well.... his other teachers have commented that he is more withdrawn, though more diligent in his work, which is a good thing i guess... but it still hurts more than anything i have ever experienced.

so, although i love my job most days, it also sucks because it is more than a job. my heart and soul have been poured into these kids, and my heart gets broken every single day... but it was ok, because there was this shining star helping me make it through, and as of now that star is gone. i can only hope and pray that time will heal this wound for both of us and that we can regain some semblance of what we had, but who knows... maybe he will never forgive me. if he doesn't i can only hope that he continues to be successful and become the man i know he can be, because no matter how he treats me, i still love him with a love that could rival any mother's, and i will always want what is best for him...

stupid pen

Who should I marry? (February 10, 2009)

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

-- Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

-- Kristen, age 10


2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10


3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8


4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?


-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10



6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?


-When they're rich..
-- Pam, age 7

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8


7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )

8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is .........

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck . -- Ricky, age 10

girls (January 25, 2009)

----------------Girls---------------------
-------------are like apples----------------
--------on trees. The best ones-------------
------are at the top of the tree.-------------
----The boys dont want to reach------------
----for the good ones because they ----------
--are afraid of falling and getting hurt.--------
Instead, they just get the rotten apples-------
-from the ground that aren't as good, -----
but easy. So the apples at the top think-------
-something is wrong with them, when in------
--reality, they're amazing. They just----------
----have to wait for the right boy to-----------
----- come along, the one who's-------------
--------- brave enough to----------------
---------------climb all-----------------
------------ ---the way------------------
---------------to the top-----------------
----------- ---of the tree.-----------------

it's all about the dreaded p-word... that's right folks, patience. and it's toughest on the grown-ups, so the rest of us, who just refuse to grow up have to remind them not to settle, but have faith and confidence that they really are the apple at the top of the tree, and someone worthy of them is actually gonna come along and pick them.

I am so blessed :)

Why I love my kids (January 8, 2009)

1. they call me miss... not miss maurer... (sometimes, but 99% of the time... just miss)
2. they dance the duggy in class
3. they say, "miss, here go my paper"
4. they say, "see... what had happened was..." and then give me some really lame excuse of why they didn't do their work
5. they talk about me in other teachers' classes
6. they want to hang out in my room before and after school
7. they get really excited when i bring them something... even if it's something like a pencil
8. they say, "wow miss, you must really love us!" and they know that i do
9. they teach me their secret hand shakes
10. they call me the "throwedest" (ghetto talk for coolest) teacher in class
11. they call me a big kid
12. one of them walks two hallways out of her way between third and fouth period just to give me a hug... every day

13. when i miss a day of school they say, "miss, where was you at yesterday?"
14. one of them waits outside my classroom every morning and lights up when he sees me... then he asks me five times a day if i'm going to his basketball game... then pretends like he doesn't care, but i know he wants me there
15. for some of them, mine is the only class they are passing
16. they are all up in my personal business
17. they actually behave when i don't feel well
18. they like coming to spanish class
19. they make beats all class period
20. they love me :)

i believe (january 4, 2009)

this video is what kept me from quitting the first week of school. :)

http://www.dallasisd.org/keynote.htm

watch and be inspired

WOW (January 1, 2009)

krista sent me this link... bawling my eyes out i tell you! :) and it has a lot to do with my last post about potential.

http://maniacworld.com/are-you-going-to-finish-strong.html

i'm workin on a new post... stay tuned :)

Potential (December 28, 2008)

i found a really cool definition of potential on dictionary.com today. it says, "a latent excellence or ability that may or may not be developed." i LOVE that, and let me tell you why. when i started teaching four months ago, i didn't think i would make it one week much less one semester. when people asked me about my job i would say, "i HATE it... teaching is not for me... i think i'm going to quit... i'm leaving!" and now i say, "i LOVE it... i found my passion in life... i always want to teach... i never want to leave my kids!" daddy asked me today what changed me, and i told him it was my kids. they weasel their way into your heart, clasp on, and don't ever let go. i do not know what i'm going to do when i have to leave my kids... they say you should call them your students, but they are more than that to me. they are my family.
the beginning of my mission was really hard. i had NO idea what i was in for. i hated the work, i hated the area, i was sick... the only bright spot was my trainer that told me it was ok to cry... so cry i did! :) my dad sent me a letter when i was a few weeks into the field basically telling me to suck it up, but he said something that has stuck with me ever since. he quoted heber j. grant who said that when we are presented with a difficult task, we work at it until we can accomplish it. this doesn't mean that the task at hand becomes any easier, but rather that our capacity to accomplish it has grown.
i pulled it together, and served a great mission, just like i pulled it together and became a great teacher. i don't say that i'm a great teacher because my kids are actually learning spanish... because they aren't... but that's not what i'm worried about. i am worried about them eating dinner... i am worried about them coming to school every day... i am worried about them getting hurt in a fight... i am worried about how much pot they smoke and how much alcohol they drink... i am worried about them getting pregnant... i am worried about them not making it through high school. have you ever seen the movie "freedom writers?" those are my kids... not on such an extreme scale, but they have that same defeated attitude about school and life. i make sure my athletes do their work because they have to pass. if they don't pass, they don't play, and what else do they have to come to school for? what else do they have to try for?
i say i am have become a great teacher because of how absolutely i am smitten by these kids. some teachers can come to school at 8, go home at 4, and not think about the kids at all... i however, cannot. i think about them constantly, and i don't get to leave school at 4 because my room is full of kids until around 6. we eat, we play games, we listen to music, we have so much fun. my life has meaning because i bring meaning to them. i know that some are indifferent, but for others.... for myself... i am saving the world. i am going to start posting some of the fantastic things my kids do so that others can fall in love with them too.
marianne williamson said that when we become liberated from our fear, that we automatically liberate others and give them permission to do the same. i feel like this is the same for our potential. now, by no means have i reached my full potential, but every day i show up and love my kids, i get one step closer. as i reach for my own potential every day i give my kids permission to do the same. i absolutely do NOT care if they learn spanish... i just want them to know how much i love them and how much i believe in them... they can make it, just like i made it, but they have to make the choice. man i love my job :)

A new adventure (originally written November 2, 2008)

So I have decided to start a new adventure... yes, creating a blog is a new adventure... and then I remember that I don't really like adventures... Exhibit A: moving to Texas. HOWEVER, I must amend that a little bit, because Texas is really growing on me. There are some fabulous aspects of this adventure, and there are some not so fabulous aspects. I am trying to dwell on the fabulous aspects so I don't get homesick, but it's hard sometimes. I miss my sisters terribly! I mean, I miss my parents, but I have been away from home for quite a few years now, but I have never been away from my sisters except for my mission. I thought I would enjoy a fresh start with all new people, but it has been a challenge. I really changed when I came here. I withdrew from the person that I thought I am, and I am rediscovering who I am and who I want to become. I have seen some really amazing blessings since I have moved here. I know I am here for a reason... multiple reasons... some selfish, some not so selfish. The selfish ones are that I am really finding out the potential I have to complete difficult tasks, and I am really working hard on my relationship with my Father in Heaven. The not so selfish ones are that I know I am making a difference in my kids' lives. They love to be around me, they love to talk to me, they love to hear what I have to say. It's been tough, but I know that I will look back on this experience with nothing but fondness. Where will next year take me? I don't know, but maybe new adventures aren't so bad...

New life = New blog

So, I have decided that with my new marriage, job, home, EVERYTHING... I am going to start a new blog. "locura" used to define my life, but the older I get, the less "locura" I am, so it's time to say goodbye to the old, and hello to the new. I am going to start transferring my old posts over, and then I will try to begin this adventure again. Have fun reading the old, and look forward to the new.